I just caught the masturbation episode of Seinfeld on TV tonight. The Contest is one of the brightest moments in a comedy series that was consistently brilliant, a loopy look at the details of ordinary experience and the pratfalls of neurotic Manhattan ennui. Larry David won an Emmy for writing The Contest, and it’s listed as #1 on TV Guide’s list of 100 Greatest Episodes of All-Time.
The story starts when George tells Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer that his mother caught him masturbating to a Glamour magazine, causing her to fall and be hospitalized. This inspires the four friends to challenge each other to refrain from masturbation until the other three have lost the bet. The word masturbate is never spoken, instead they agree to be Masters of Their Domain, inferring that they must keep themselves free from the awful deed.
It’s both hilarious and instructive of the way that we talked about sex and masturbation in the Nineties. It’s clearly an admission that we all do it, but our sexual shame, neuroses, egos, and identities are tied up in sexual hangups that prevent us from accepting natural pleasures in our lives.
“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” —Mae West
Using euphemisms instead of forthright phrasing gives the comedy a sophisticated timelessness that’s part of a long tradition in film and TV when coy double-entendres could get past the censors. But the episode is also astonishingly frank about a subject that had rarely been discussed in any positive way before. And because the episode wasn’t just a one-liner, but an entire half-hour of gags, it was a revolutionary moment in TV history.
As soon as the four characters make the bet, temptations arise. A beautiful, naked woman walks around her apartment across from Jerry’s front window, and Kramer immediately loses the bet; George visits his mother in the hospital, only to witness the shadows of a sexy nurse sponge-bathing a voluptuous woman in the next bed; Jerry is dating a virgin; Elaine meets John Kennedy, Jr. at the gym. They’re each tempted with something overwhelming that illustrates their inner neuroses and sexual fantasies. Without being able to masturbate, each comic temptation is magnified by frustration. Only Kramer sleeps blissfully slumbering after immediately losing the bet.
Dating a virgin and not jacking off is making Jerry crazy. He and George are at each other’s throats. Jerry’s so bothered by the gorgeous naked lady next door that Kramer has to plead with him not to go across the street and demand that she put something on. Finally, after several sleepless nights, Elaine makes a date with John-John for the next day, and then we see that she’s out of the bet, curled up in bed, smiling broadly and sleeping soundly.
The Contest illuminated an integral part of human nature that at the time was still considered a dark personal secret. By redirecting the conversation in hilariously ironic setups, the Seinfeld creative team initiated a dialog among viewers, with a bemused and lighthearted recognition that those around us are masturbators too, and we’re all okay.
What makes the phrase Master of My Domain funny is that it’s the complete opposite of healthy mature sexuality. To be master of our domains means being in charge of our sexual nature, not expelling it from us but embracing pleasure with maturity and wisdom. What we do in masturbation is something most everyone experiences, but each individual experiences it in their own way. Over time we learn what turns us on, how to drive our desires and enjoy them to the fullest, mastering it as an art. What needs to be jettisoned is the moral baggage of an unjust society that looks at healthy sexual behavior as filthy and perverted, and that’s an ongoing quest in our culture.
What struck me when I saw this episode tonight, is that it’s been twenty-three years since that first aired. What’s happened since then in culture, society, technology, and politics is a huge evolution in a very short period of time.
The characters in Seinfeld have no smartphones and no internet, no Google or Twitter. We didn’t have federal same-sex marriage laws back then, we had DODT. Sexuality, race, and gender identity issues have become commonplace mainstream issues on TV and in our culture since then.
The Contest defines the line between the past and the present in terms of cultural shifts. It’s where our fears of masturbation and sexuality started to break down and be afforded affection and respect. We still have a long way to go, but we’re getting there.
