What if you don’t identify as a “top” or a “bottom” or even “vers”?

In gay male vernacular, the term “top” refers to the one who penetrates, and “bottom” is the one who receives. In some contexts, top and bottom are synonymous with dom and sub, but among men who have sex with men, it refers unanimously to anal sex. To this extreme, top and bottom are not merely sex positions, but categories that everyone is expected to fall into. If you like both, you can be “vers,” but no other options are given. What if you don’t identify with any of these?

The problem with the top and bottom dichotomy is that it is defined solely by one sexual activity. Placing all the emphasis on anal sex leaves no room for conversation about other sexual proclivities. I prefer to be asked, “What are you into sexually?” rather than “Top or bottom?” I can describe the things I like, he can describe the things he likes, and hopefully we can negotiate an experience that is pleasurable for both of us. That is how it should be.

The problem with the top and bottom dichotomy is that it is defined solely by one sexual activity.

When sex is defined solely by penetration, it dismisses and devalues other forms of sex. Everything else is disregarded as mere foreplay. The notion that a blowjob or hand-job is “not really sex” demonstrates the narrow mindset that pervades our culture. There is more to sex than fucking. Everything that provides erotic pleasure is sex. People enjoy many different things, and the universe is full of orgasmic potential. All forms of consensual sexuality are valid.

But still, many people just don’t get it. Those of us who don’t prefer penetrative sex are accused of being uptight. Some guys will even disrespect this boundary and say things like, “You just haven’t been with someone like me yet,” in an effort to persuade me to fuck him or vice versa. I’ve had a few first dates that never went beyond that because they couldn’t understand why I didn’t want anal sex. One guy even said I was “acting weird” when I asked him if we could masturbate together. There are many who simply cannot fathom the idea of something other than top or bottom, and react with confusion when I say “neither.”

There is more to sex than fucking. Everything that provides erotic pleasure is sex. People enjoy many different things, and the universe is full of orgasmic potential. All forms of consensual sexuality are valid.

There is nothing wrong with anal sex, but no one should be pressured into doing something that makes them uncomfortable. There are so many other ways that people can have fun together. There are also reasons why some people cannot partake in penetrative sex at all. Some may have medical conditions that prevent them from doing so. It is also important to acknowledge that some men don’t have a cisgender penis, so defining sex as “penetration required” is disrespectful to trans bodies (although, of course, there are toys for that).

So how do we overcome this limitation in our sexual language? One of the most wonderful advancements over the past couple of decades is how our understanding of sexuality has greatly expanded. Human sexuality is complex, with a large number of variables, and each individual is unique. The language of sexuality is meant to evolve. It is not a one-size-fits-all. No one gets to define what someone else enjoys sexually. I’m grateful to live in a progressive time when people are defining their sexuality on their own terms.

One solution is to provide alternatives to the existing language to expand on the concept and open the doors for discussion. Several years ago, sex therapist Dr. Joe Kort introduced the term “side.” As the terms “top” and “bottom” focus exclusively on anal sex, “side” simply means a preference for everything else, all kinds of non-penetrative sex. Sides may enjoy kissing, cuddling, oral sex, mutual masturbation, frottage, nipple play, tit-fucking, foot-jobs, rimming, spanking, erotic massage, and more. As the possibilities of sides are numerous, there are probably more varieties of sides than there are tops and bottoms. There are also some tops and bottoms who are actually sides but haven’t realized it yet.

Another problem with the top and bottom dichotomy is that it adheres to heteronormative gender roles. The stereotype of a top is hyper-masculine with a huge cock, and the stereotype of a bottom is effeminate and submissive. Bottom-shaming is a major problem in the gay male community, and it’s completely misogynistic. Recently, one of my Facebook friends posted “normalize fem tops and masculine bottoms,” and I completely agree. But I think one of the best things about being a side is that it defies this binary thinking. There is no “either/or.” When we are “side by side,” so to speak, we are equal.

I think side is a good solution, but there are some who don’t like the term and believe it carries negative connotations. We need to challenge our notions of what the word really means, and consider the context in which it is used, in order to understand the implications of being a side.

I interacted with one individual who used the food analogy of “side dishes” being inferior to the “main course.” I strongly disagree. At Thanksgiving, the best foods are always the side dishes. The term “side dish” doesn’t imply inferiority; it is complementary. Side dishes are what make the meal interesting. No one goes to Thanksgiving dinner just to eat a dry-ass turkey. There are many people who omit the turkey altogether, and this same idea can also apply to sex.

I have also described it this way:

The top is your shirt, which is the “dominant” part of your outfit because it is often the most prominent.

The bottom is your pants, which are just as beautiful as the top, and serve as a foundational or supportive piece, “holding up the rear,” as it were.

Sides are the belt, hat, scarf, jewelry, watch, shoes, bag, and other details and accessories that complete the outfit. These may serve practical functions or simply just make us look and feel good. Tops and bottoms are okay on their own, but it’s the sides that make the outfit interesting.

So basically, being a side means preferring all the good stuff that people treat as inferior or take for granted. The only issue I have is, since the term “side” is derived from “top” and “bottom,” sex can then be reduced to either “anal” or “not-anal.” This is also an overly simplistic view. As human sexuality is complex, I do think that sides can enjoy anal sometimes. Some may enjoy rimming, fingering, or solo play with toys. You also don’t have to identify as a side at all. There are some guys on Twitter who use the term “no-pen,” which states a clear preference for non-penetrative sex. There are many men who specify their preference for certain activities such as frot buddies and circle jerks.

The best solution is to just say what we want and use our vocabulary like adults. We live in a time where, for the most part, it is no longer necessary to resort to coded language. We have come a long way since the days of hanky colors, and we have the ability to be more open than ever before. We have the technology to communicate instantaneously, but instead of using it clearly and comprehensively, we have reduced ourselves to lazy shorthand. Expand your erotic vocabulary. Have a stimulating conversation.

Speaking of hands, you know I saved the best for last. Since sex is erroneously defined by intercourse, and therefore something you do with other people, solo sex is not taken seriously. It is often considered a last resort and inferior substitute. If someone can’t get laid, they masturbate. It is treated as embarrassing and disappointing, instead of remarkable and empowering as it is meant to be. Solo sex is the key to ecstatic bliss and erotic freedom.

For many guys, a good bate is the main course. Some simply prefer having sex by themselves. There are some who identify only as solosexual, but many also identify with other sexual orientations, and may have sex with other people. There are many, like me, who are both side and solosexual. But we must respect that solo sex is just as valid as partnered sex. We are currently in the midst of a solosexual revolution, and I am excited to be a part of it. I will be writing much more about this in my upcoming book.

For many guys, a good bate is the main course.

In summary, sex is expansive. It is meant to grow and blossom instead of being suffocated by the limitations of fixed categories and stagnant, outmoded ideas. It is imperative to keep an open mind and make every conscious effort to include perspectives other than our own. We must try to stop defining people by pre-approved labels and allow everyone to enjoy their sexual experiences in their own words, whatever they may be.

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