A chat at THE BATE TABLE
with Bateworld member MyB8Buddy
The Question, What is it like to be A MAN OF COLOR in the Bate-Community?
“I don’t fit in this crowd.”
“One look at me and the decision will be made.”
“Damn! I’m not sexy enough.”
These are very few of the many thoughts that run in my head whenever I experience my bate in front of other none P.O.C. bators. These are the feelings I am sure we each can associate to on some level. But I believe it is essential to share the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beauty in our Bate Community and brotherhood. It is vital not to ignore what possibilities we have as a community to learn and grow, especially when it has to do with understanding our fellow P.O.C. bator experiences.
My bate journey will be different from yours, or my bate journey will be a lot like yours; this is the point of this post for me, to get the conversation started. I will be the first to state, I do not have any set answers, but I do have my experiences, and you have yours, and together those moments become the answers to our hopefully shared change.
These experiences can happen from various situational reasons and contexts. However, when a bator of color steps into a bate space, collectively, there are some shared experiences. Being approached “jokingly” with a clumsy and insensitive joke or eyed from across the room, only then to be blocked “casually” from joining in the circle.
I believe this is where the conversation should start. I guarantee every P.O.C. Bator can share a moment they felt all eyes were on (or not on) them in an Uncomfortable, fun, and sexy way despite the set intentions of these events.
Why? We are usually the only one or of very few (the token) at these events.
Being a man of color in the bate community, in my personal opinion, is a constant mental battle of trying not to feel like a continuous met quota.
In my own experience, I have had said to me or been messaged privately online with lines from fellow none P.O.C. bators, such as,
“Wow, for a black guy, you are pretty hot, man!”
“Try putting on more muscle; I know my white friends love muscled black men.”
“Damn, give me that thick N***** Dick!”
…Inhale…exhale
We all have our preferences, and that is all fine and well, BUT not all bators are polite or civil about stating such, and that is me putting it nicely. Some downright objectify that I am black, that is never fun when all I wanted was to talk about the things we have in common, stress-carefree stroking of our dicks and to share that horny passion with another man.
The objectifying of me being a black man is something I often encounter both on and off online from guys, and I have found ways to handle it, but that does not make it any less uncomfortable. Those interactions become my living nightmare. Remarks like, “You black guys…”, “Is it true all black guys…?”
From my point of view, I feel me being black has become measured only as a taboo sex fantasy escape. An escape that does not allow us to bond in a mindful respectful way. An escape that does not allow us to explore our manhood and connections. This introduction is, in fact, an unwanted trap.
…Sharing of the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beauty in our Bate Community and brotherhood.
My bate journey has had some very fun experiences that are exceptional rewarding moments in my growth and exploration of my manhood.
- I have been a part of, and helped in leadership run a local Bate group in my city where more than half of our members are men of color. I think it helped me being a man of color and a part of leadership and, thus, a small positive black representation.
- I spent a weekend in San Diego attending CockSummit, and with love and many new friendships enjoyed three days of naked fun.
- I discovered I relish edging/milking and loving on my bate buddy/brother penis. Exploring his cock and finding out what makes it ridge.
- I have also learned I am a Wake n Bake n Edge for 3-4hrs type of bator, hahaha.
In closing thoughts, I believe it is essential to share the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beauty in our community. We cannot ignore this possibility to learn and grow, especially when it has to do with understanding your fellow P.O.C. bator experiences.
These are my experiences, and where I am in my journey with the current state of the world. There is so much more to be shared.
What are your experiences? Where are you in your journey? Please share in the comments below.
Read MyB8Buddy’s first article BEING A MAN OF COLOR ON BATEWORLD
Well done. And a wake up call to many of us. Thanks for this.
I can relate, but from a slightly different perspective of being a non-american as well as black. I’m from the Caribbean but have been to cities in the US and lived in Canada a bit.
The objectification is real and it is a part of sexual culture as a whole, not just bators. Being black AND far away from most of the other users here makes me a less attractive option to message i feel. BUT i have made some great connections with people that don’t see those things as necessarily bad.
There are jerks on Bateworld, as there are everywhere, but by and large people are pretty damn respectful compared to other communities. (cough..Grindr!..cough, cough). even the ignorant statements seem to be just that.
Over the years I’ve grown into the mindset that people who only see one facet of who i am are missing out on a lot and that’s their loss. i feel bad for them, because for me an experience is so much richer when u truly know ur partner, the connection is deeper, the communication is better and a more fun time is had by all.
Just my 2 cents.
Thanks for writing this and beginning this dialogue on BW. As a Black, gay man that enjoys masturbation I have encountered my share of blatant racism and covert racism within the bate community. Being excluded from vidchat rooms or groups because of my race (I know this because I’ve asked white bate friends that gained access what the make up of the room was to learn it was all white cis men). Had BBC (big black cock) hurled at me in rooms or groups (If you don’t know the racist history behind this term, fetishization of black men, etc. then do your homework on Google). Or when I’ve been in bate groups online and read racist comments and mention to my fellow bators how I found their comments offensive with the intentions of having dialogue from the “brotherhood”, I am only met with aggression and attacked placing the blame on me for my feelings because of their racist behavior (i.e.: ” I’m sorry you felt what I said was offensive”). These experiences have happened with white cis bators and other non-Black POC. Does any of this surprise me? No. I’ve been Black since 1982 and racism has been part of my experience every second, every minute, every day, every week, every month, every year ever fucking since. But that does not excuse this behavior. On a whole, the “community/brotherhood” needs to be and do better if it wants to continue to self identify as such.
Thank you brother for sharing your experiences. Speaking as a white man (UK) it pains me that you have been treated in this way by the bate community.
I try to be aware of any biases of my own, and to blot out any stereotypical assumptions. Being aware is the start of confronting any inculcated racism.
Rob
Dude, I’m black and Native American and it’s happened to me as well….. . I have never used color when describing any ones cock…NEVER! but I get so tired of hearing I love your black cock…or i’ve never had a black dick …or thats a nice BBC…what does color have to do with a bate session. A dick is a dick no matter what color……isnt this supposed to be a brotherhood?
great blog post!
this comment is so true, I’m a non-black POC bator and the BBC obsession is wild to me. It’s already toxic enough to be a size queen, then you have to add dick color to it?
And make no mistake, just bc some of you guzzle BBC’s on the weekend doesn’t make you down with the cause. 😂
“I don’t fit in this crowd.”
“One look at me and the decision will be made.”
“Damn! I’m not sexy enough.”
Very well said – you capture in words what is in my heart. Have to have a thicker skin in this world when that skin contains more melanin.
This is what I write on my profile when I join here to express the hurt at the dismissal, the disrespect and the ignorance – this is how we have always believed and lived and one day my hope it is universal all through this world…
Not all are perfect in your eyes…But all are perfect in the Great Spirits eyes. All peoples – two legs, four legs, wing people, crawlers all are the Great Spirits creations. Respect All as you respect yourself. The hurt of one is the hurt of all, the honor of one is the honor of all. Aho!
Respect.
Black is beautiful. period.
Thanks for writing this man, its great to have a voice here……it’s a great community.
Thanks for sharing your experience and perspective. As a white guy, I really benefit from hearing it. There is so much racism that is hidden behind a thin shield of ‘preference.’ Not cool. I have and will continue to call bullshit on that when I see it.
Thanks for sharing man.
Thanks for bringing up this and for sharing your experiences
Thank you for this. The white bate community -we have a lot of work to do. But I am glad you are here and part of the brotherhood….(passes the albolene). 🙂
Thank you for writing such a thoughtful piece. It requires courage to speak from the heart. I thank you for reminding me of the subtle and not so subtle ways that racism works.
Thanks for writing this thoughtful and honest piece. I love when men, particularly black men, are brave enough to be vulnerable. It’s sexy and extremely underrated. I related and didn’t relate all at the same time. And experiencing life through another’s point of view is always valuable, even in the bate space.
Thanks for this blog entry! Even as a pale-skinned RastafarI living mostly in Berlin, this phenomenon is that obvious that I start to hyperventilate when guys claim they never notice any of it. And being pale-skinned, I am just exposed to a tiny fraction of that. Like a stranger in a gay bar walking up from behind to my African American boyfriend at the time, petting his hair without asking or talking to him at all. Certain gay bars that will let in one “token” of any skin color only (that isn’t caucasian, of course). Getting called “traitor to the people” in a gay bar, for heaving dread locks. Friends (and there a lot of these) telling me, there would be someone for me entering a gay bar – just because he’s black and I have had two black boyfriends in the past three decades (among a dozen or so white guys – and nobody ever told me, “someone for me” would enter the room, because he’s white).
The list goes on and on and on, and I sometimes get the feeling, it’s not even possible to have a normal communication / engagement in the community, as soon as a white guy enters the room who has been conditioned to think, he’s the default guy, and hasn’t unconditioned himself to think that.
These global revolutionary BLM-days, I am getting a bit less tired though, when here on BW white bros ask questions publicly, which would make me gasp at all other times, but which show their upfull interest in changing themselves. Just now finding the motivation or interest to actually do that. As I have always complained about the lack of interest, I am actually delighted, that such people ask questions of this sort. Even though the vocabulary they use or the sort of questions they raise makes me wonder, wether they have actually EVER interacted with someone before, who isn’t their own skin color.
I am white and two of my best friends are black!
That’s true and, to me, that’s no different from saying “I am short and two of my best friends are tall.”
In this world, we have ignorant and wise people and we mean and kind people.
I am white and I receive mean and ignorant comments like the ones your received. When that happens, I am thankful because they make it easy for me to decide to stay away from them.
Just like you experienced in San Diego, I have personally been to events with one black guy in them but he just happens to be darker than the rest. Focus on those good times and good people and stay away from narrow-minded people.
My tip: look at yourself like simply “a man”, not “a man of color”.
Why? because when you label yourself as “man of color”, you’re setting yourself apart from your brothers of all other shades.
Hey Chris,
Thanks for your response. Interesting points you’ve made. I’d really like to take this opportunity to share a perspective with you that may assist you on your journey in life with POCs—even with your two black friends.
I must state that there is a vast difference between someone’s skin color and their height. Though they are indeed genetic descriptors that should hold no weight over the level of humanness or citizenship about a person, the fact is, skin color—unlike one’s height—comes with an overwhelming host of inhumane and unjust value hierarchies (created and defined by white supremacy-thinking) on so many levels with so many complex layers, all because dark skin is criminalized in our society. And, the darker one’s complexion the more compounded their racially biased experiences are. This cannot be negated. Height and skin color are not apples-to-apples, more like, butterflies to rocks.
All one needs to do is look to the centuries long (and still ongoing) trail and tales of brown and black bodies being violently mutilated, raped, assaulted and sexualized for the pure pleasure of the white male’s lust, greed and rage.
The origins of the word “race” and its constructs (a divisive and debilitating disease on humamity) is the result of cis white male seperative and hierarchical thinking.
The mere fact that we still use the term race—and now POC (and a host of iterative labels)—to uniquely identify others from whiteness is quite telling to the power and implications of skin color. No, my dear bate brother, race and height are not at all comparable, equal or moot references.
Chris, I believe you are sincere in your thoughts and expressions, so I encourage you to ask your two black friends about this! If, of course, they are willing to be honest with you about their experiences. (Note: many POCs filter their experiences when around non-POCs so as not to be targeted or labeled in some unjust way.)
Also, having two black friends does not absolve one from their own racially implicit biases. And, to use such claims as statements of virtue or fact does two main things:
1. It comes across as an offensive micro-agression, undermining the lived experiences of others; and 2. It comes across as defensiveness. (There’s no need to be defensive to the one who is truly unbiased, open and willing to have a compassionate ear.)
Statements like,, “my best friend/lover, etc. is black so …” are the onset of a biased dynamic whereby POCs will filter—or completely unfilter—whilst non-POCs dig their heels further into the sand and no new perspectives can be learned or shared in a meaningful way … No one is enlightened in these situations, ever.
I agree with you that there are wise and ignorant, as well as, cruel and kind people of our planet. And although savage and insensitive comments may be experienced by anyone on any platform, I find it hard to believe that you’ve experienced racially charged cruelty. And, if you have, I guarantee the intensity and pain felt, if any, is quite different than those of dark skin, simply because of the historical (and ongoing) connection to the criminalization and mutilation of brown bodies and psychology. Again, not apples-to-apples, my brother.
Ask yourself, why is there still so much energy of pain in the air connected with the plague of racism? Seriously … try and get to the root of it by researching, having open-ended honest and respectful dialogue with your POC friends and others like historians, journalists, etc. After all, the disease of racism affects EVERYONE!
I also agree with you that people’s rudeness is an amazing filter!! Indeed, block any and all who even slightly imply or express any type of lack-based thinking. That’s a good one!
And your absolutely correct, have an abundant mindset. Focus on the good times, good people and stay far and clear from narrow-mindedness, as best as possible.
However, a black man need not identify as a person of color to be set apart or singled out separately from being a man. It’s not a mutually exclusive life option—genetics plays a role—as a POC man is evidenced in his complexion, regardless of identity. That marker (skin color) is the impetus for triggering hate and fear by others, period. Moreover, there are many POCs who are very proud to politically identify as a person of color in whatever way they chose.
What they don’t want to identify with—nor experience—is the inhumane cruelty that’s inflicted upon them because of the color of their skin … the whole point of this well crafted article by the black author, Edward (MyB8Buddy).
If it were so simple a solution as to separate ones POC identity from their manhood, then race would not be the human plague that it is!
And, why would anyone need/want to separate from their cultural identity? That very suggestion comes from a non-POC perspective and implies that betterment is to assimilate, with what … white supremist ideals of relevance and beauty? Come on man, think about it.
Being a POC man is so much greater than just being a man. Because of racism, it is a world unto itself that is unlike what non-POCs experience every single day of their life.
I’m not at all suggesting that POCs need identify as victims of circumstance. Racial unjust is a given in our society, fact. The energy of fear and hate from racism, however, can and has been used to transmute the lives of POCs into meaning and vibrant abundance. In fact, many of us do! We’ve learned—we’ve had to learn out of necessity for survival—to adapt and develop psychological techniques that help advance the quality of our lives, mental and physiological health and well-being, all while navigating the plague of racism, but not of it, nor in it.
I think the point of this article was to let non-POCs know that racism is still very much alive and well. And, wouldn’t it be nice if we were all a little more kinder to ourselves and to each other. It starts from within!
Chris, I’m sending you infinite love and respect from another vantage point.
Yours truly,
POC
👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻
Your whole comment is problematic. Anytime you start with: I am white and two of my best friends are black!
Did you want a congrats? Having 2 black friends does not make you the subject matter expert on race relations or the expert on black people
Next: I have personally been to events with one black guy in them but he just happens to be darker than the rest
Chris… What are you trying to say here… of course the 1 Black person would be darker than everyone else if he’s the only Black person there. Follow along.
Lastly:
My tip: look at yourself like simply “a man”, not “a man of color”.
Why? because when you label yourself as “man of color”, you’re setting yourself apart from your brothers of all other shades.
Chris, from a Caucasian view point I bet you felt good about this. Youve never dealt with racism, you cannot tell a black person tips on dealing with it. “because youve labeled yourself as. a man of color”
Sir…. have a seat.
A million thanks for writing this!!! I get thoroughly pissed off when a white guy says, “Fuck me, fuck me with your big black dick” as soon as I meet them. It’s like I’m not a person, I have no personality and I didn’t work my butt off in college, grad school and on the job. I’m also supposed to be only into being a fucking top, which I have no interest in. What makes it worse is that they usually see their words as a compliment.
Thanks for sharing this man. Ive had similar experience being the only p.o.c. in a bate group. Ive gotten “cute for a black guy” or “you’re one of the good ones” comment too many times to count. It kinda ruined my irl bate life for a while, but the good people ive met here have helped me reflect on those experience. Hearing your story makes me feel as though im not alone in this, so i really appreciate your sharing.
I am either going to write much too little or MUCH TOO MUCH. I won’t know until I get there. OK — I came out when I was 12 years old — that was in 1972.
Oftentimes — when I was old enough to go to a bar legally I was the only person of color in the entire bar. After awhile I realized that since there was nothing I could do about the lack of other ethnicities, I would not worry about it. (For the most part.) I decided that the other guys would have to accept me or not — just as I was going to do with them.
However, I did allow myself to be ‘fetishized’. More than I probably should, but an advantage is an advantage, right? It didn’t hurt that I am also very well spoken and educated, so one could actually have a conversation with me.
As to ‘not fitting in’ — surely this isn’t the first environment you’ve been in that was like that. I think about it like this, “The only thing ‘different’ about me was the color of my skin. But, I also have hazel eyes, unusual. But, that wouldn’t be a disqualifier, would it? So, why should my skin color? (Now, I admit, it took me awhile to get there, but I did.)
In other words, DO NOT MAKE THIS A BIG PROBLEM. Especially since it’s THEIR problem!
Now, I do have lines that if crossed, too bad for them — but that will have to be up to you.
ITS A HUGE PROBLEM. Basically you’re saying just don’t let it bother you. Also you stating that you are educated and easy to communicate with means POC are usually un educated and hard to communicate with. Which is completely un true. Basically your saying just blend in and don’t make a big deal about being fetishized for your race. That’s wild to me. Just to sleep with or be invited in the room with white men. If I cant be seen for other than my race I don’t want to be in that room or with those people at all.
I love your attitude. As an asian gay man, I tend to look at things similarly. The types of experiences discussed in the article are problems for sure, and I feel for anyone who has to deal with that, however Id say try not to make it bother you too much. Sadly most ppl who say things like bbc or tight asian hole or whatever they might say, they mean it in a kinky way, n dont realize it could be offensive.
The other thing I wonder about is if its actually racist or just racial insensitivity. We are all capable of being racially insensitive (honestly ive heard a lot of asian racism coming from black men). But is it racism if you dont even realize it or just social programing, in which case can you really blame the person? And Ive heard black men refer to their own penises as bbc, so this type of thing even effects poc themselves! And tbh, as I mentioned, sometimes bringing race into a sexual experience can make it kinkier….I know thats un pc to say, but it can be the case sometimes.
Basically I agree it can be a problem but Id agree that ppl should try to not make it too much of a problem for themselves. Imho I think society wants poc to always feel like victims. A victim by definition has no control over their situation, and I absolutely refuse to put myself in that position.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
Honestly, its why I am kind of hesistant to date a white person even a non-black person POC because the racism exist in every race. I don’t want to be the educatior/activist for my partner. Always having to coach them on how not to be racist and what respect towards black people look like. It’s exhausting. I rather just be with someone who gets the culture because they are part of the culture.
I feel some non-black POC think they get a pass to say some really racist things because they aren’t white and they have some kind of experience with racism. However, their experience doesn’t compare to what historically black people had to endure and how it is still effects us to this day. This is kind of why I don’t identify as POC because my racial struggles do not compare to the POC’s I’m being grouped with (whole other topic but would love to get into it if you care enough to).
I actually appreciate getting blocked/left on read by racists. Why would I want to bate with one anyways? Saves me the headache. Rather not be called the n word and then say its just raceplay. PSA; RACEPLAY IS RACIST NO MATTER HOW YOU SPIN.
I grow frustrated with white men that like black men and the way they carry themselves. They just think cooler than the average caucasian. As if their attraction to us absolves them from racism/fetishization. I find it annoying when they always bring up, “I like the contrast” “your skin is so beautiful” etc. Thanks for the compliment but I know youre only telling me this because I’m dark and it has little to do with the quality of the skin (they will literally compliment a ashy mofo just because he’s dark). It’s like when they compliment my blackness it seems like they feel theyre doing me a favor. It almost feels patronizing to get a compliment from a white person about my skin.
This is a problem that black people have been dealing with for ages. It’s not going to end until white people see it as their problem not ours. Because we can voice our concerns but it’s never received as well until it comes out of a white mouth. White people will listen more intently to other white people than a black person. Our allies have got some work to do.
So glad that you posted this…
By Love ourselves, and we open up to loving others….
Plant the seeds of love.
Be blessed
Black is beautiful inside and out all “day and night.” In 2021, there is no need to ask for acceptance from people who refuse to see your value. This is, in fact, a diverse society, and diversity is a strength. Those who appear to be threatened by a person’s skin color need to ask themselves why.
Black condoms in a country of mostly non-P.o.C.
Aimed at the P.o.C. minority? Or fetishisation?
Well written bro. I read it, related to it, digested it and learned from it. Now I hope we as a community can grow from it.
Sincerely,
Thank you
Well written. In the perfect tone without any attacts or accusations…. Thank you
Hopefully any of my contrarian remarks don’t in any way invalidate your experiences or feelings.
Since you asked for feedback, here’re my anecdotes:
Having been raised in the very conservative and often racist southern USA, I was used to the marginalization and objectification of being the “wrong” color. It was ingrained in my psyche and became the way of life for me and others of my ilk.
However, a drastic internal adjustment gradually came about after college. School exposed me to a world of endless adventure possibilities and so instead of jumping right into the corporate world, I got a passport and began exploring.
What amazing variety exists among us homosapiens! In many lands, different could be skin color, hair texture, height, language, and even disposition or personality quirks. Any of these can be and are exploited by individuals to prejudge, shame, objectify, marginalize, etc. This taught me, what I consider one of my most humbling of life’s greatest lessons: the difference between prejudice and curiosity.
Instead of taking offense and trying to assimilate into whichever environment that I chose to join, I eventually learned to embrace my and their uniqueness to enjoy the wonderful mélange of human diversity. My personal experience had less to do with others and more to do with my own attitudes and reactions, no matter how hard I tried to keep from showing it. This was by no means an instantaneous acclimatization. There was a lifetime of indoctrination, values, sensitivities, that made the person who I became. These new experiences only enhanced that individual and I am humbly grateful to my teachers of the world, many who have no idea how much they’ve helped me.
In the end, for me, there was so much more prejudice and racism because I found what I was looking for. Does it still exist? Absolutely! But it’s often merely expressions of fear and ignorance, of which I was just as guilty. By my reframing the experience, I have turned potentially negative encounters into longstanding friendships or at least a growing opportunity.
Just my two cents! Keep the change.
I am one of those that needs to feel some kind of connection even to bate with a guy. I admit that all things being equal if i find out hes P.O.C. i idle a lot faster! I have been guilty of some of these gaffes and have been gently corrected in the past. I can imagine how much it must suck for you to feel like you need to have thick skin and also try to rewire guy’s brains.
I want to thank you. Its made a difference for me and i deeply appreciate your efforts.
I want to connect and am awkward sometimes and have said stupid shit that is offensive.
I am learning and improving.
The hardest part for me is feeling invisible in bate spaces sometimes. And then the self-gaslighting. Because no one ever walks up to me and says outright, “I’d play with you if you were white,” so I’m left to wonder if that’s what they’re secretly thinking, if that’s why all-white bate circles have formed and I’m not in them, if that’s why the eye contact with me is broken soooo quickly. Is it racism, or am I just no good at this, am I just unattractive, am I just too shy, is it somehow my fault?
If someone came up to me and called me the N-word or some other applicable slur (I’m Black/Puerto Rican), I’d feel the trauma of that in the moment, but sometimes I wonder if that would actually be preferable to never knowing for sure.
Exactly I left this site and just cumming back. Because if you don’t have 10-12 more inches and don’t show every inch head to toe and verbal the men lacking color leave your cam or ignore you really sad.