“Honey… I’m a masturbator.”

A relationship is important. It demands your respect. Futures together are worth it. Pasts spent together are to be cherished. Your relationship to yourself is just as sacred though. Your solosexuality is legitimate. Having one does not need to come at the expense of the other.

Many men discover they are bators while within relationships, particularly long-term ones. Sometimes these bators find it hard to expose this sexual side to their partners, ending up in a covert, almost double life. 

For many years, I was one of these men. It wore me out. After that relationship ended and I found myself on the dating scene, I was determined not to end up in that same untenable situation. 

Bators often begin relationships unsure of how their solo play will fly while nurturing a new partnership. They often feel their proclivities might risk putting off a new potential suitor, only leading them into that same bind. 

The next time around, I did not hide this side of myself. To my surprise, although it should not have been a surprise, he turned out to be a bator too. We’ve been together three years now. We are two bators in love

As a relationship runs long distance, men escape into prolonged and frequent masturbation. It’s normal to crave and even plan time to bate. You should be able to masturbate without fear of recrimination, which means letting your partner see that you’re a bator.

It is hard to communicate a newfound sexual interest when a relationship has entrenched around you. Telling your partner you’re a bator may not be the easiest thing. Yet you’re not saying you’ve cheated. You’re not saying you’re out of love with them. 

The shame we impose upon masturbation makes us reluctant. We fear our partner will shame us in the way our parents might have. Did you parents catch you masturbating as a teen? Did they make you feel you’re doing something wrong? Well, you aren’t in a relationship with your parents. You are in a relationship with an equal. 

Some relationships build up a false subtext that neither partner masturbates at all, that they are only sexual when together. This too is based on fear. It is a lie and it suppresses a perfectly normal outlet for human sexuality. Your partner does not have to be a part of your masturbation, but they should not be threatened by it. 

Many men – gay, straight or bi – are open with their partners about being a bator. They negotiate rules around using porn, encounters with other bators, attending bate clubs, or having bate spaces, for example. All are healthy if negotiated together. This shows respect. Bating within a relationship can bring you closer. 

Coming out as a bator may free you both up from indoctrinated thinking of how sex must be. Sex does not need penetration. It doesn’t even need genitals. Your partner can participate in your masturbation, whether by adding stimulation, or giving you free space to explore sex solo. You too should encourage and give them space, or ask if you can give them added pleasure while they bate.

I admit, it’s not an easy conversation to bring up. This is why it feels easier to stay covert. Trust me, this double life won’t be easy in the long term. It will wear you down. If you are a real bator, you have to live authentically. So if you’re in a relationship, consider how to bring up the conversation. 

You want to engage your partner, draw them in, not push them away. Certainly you want to avoid making them think you’re bating in reaction to them, that somehow they have done something wrong. The conversation must always be that you masturbate in addition to your life with them, and not in place of it.

This may inevitably lead to discussions about how often you have sex. If they bring that up, talk about having more or varied sex too. Encourage them to bring ideas to the table. However, you should help them to see that, from your point-of-view, cultivating a solosexual life is not going to come at the expense of any existing aspect of the relationship. 

Give them a reason why you’re telling them. A good one might be that you don’t like hiding things from them, and so you want them to know how much you’ve been enjoying masturbation lately. Reiterate that you want them to be closer to you than anyone, so you need them to know. 

Give them time to process. Let them know that they can share their thoughts with you anytime. Wanting their feelings about it might also form a good, engaging reason why you are telling them now.

Perhaps you want to broach bating with a buddy or attend a jerk off club. Depending on the stage of your relationship, this can also form an appropriate reason to tell them you’re a bator.

Be honest. If they ask for details, tell them. If they want to know the how, where or why you masturbate so much, give as succinct and truthful answers as possible. Don’t let shame drive you back into the closet at this proud moment. You are telling someone important to you about something that is important to you.

Be honest. If they ask for details, tell them. If they want to know the how, where or why you masturbate so much, give as succinct and truthful answers as possible.

Follow up. Don’t let weeks or months pass before you check back in on the conversation. Drop references to your masturbation. Establish a new normal where talking about masturbation is part of the fabric of your intimacy. And yes, make light of it! It’s only masturbation. Humour is a great diffuser.

To avoid a relationship tending sexless, let your partner see your sexual self every day. That doesn’t mean having sex every day. It does mean letting them see your arousal. Remind them you are a virile man. 

For bators who are dating, here are some ways to let prospective partners in on the fact you’re a bator before you make commitments to one other. You must not think that you are putting yourself out for judgement. Don’t stress over whether or not they will want to keep dating you if you tell them you’re a masturbator. No, what you are really doing is asking questions of them. Is this a person I can be with long-term? If they freak out about masturbation, well what else are they going to freak out about?

In the early stages of a relationship we are trying to work out the sexual needs of our prospective mates. This is a normal part of courtship as we share our sexual tastes and learn the other’s. This is the perfect time to establish how highly you prize masturbation. Most mates, at this point, won’t be threatened or unnerved by it. They should and likely will, find you sexier in that you have an unconventional (but healthy) sexual hobby. 

Even better at this stage is to introduce spontaneous masturbation into your time together. Let them wake to discover you masturbating. Normalize masturbation. Let your erection be commonplace. The idea is for your new partner to see you as you see yourself – as a virile, sexual man who proudly masturbates. Do not let your solosexuality fuse into the wallpaper, as can so often happen in relationships.

We let this happen because many wrongly see masturbation as only a substitute for partnered sex. We therefore relegate it during a relationship as unneeded. Some people think that if we masturbate, it’s because we must be sexually unsatisfied. This is wrong. Solosexuality is additional to any partnered sexuality.

Trust me, you won’t see masturbation as second rate eventually. It will take a lot of unravelling to re-normalize masturbation later. You will always want to unravel it. Do what you can early on to keep it out in the open.

Masturbate during sex. Let your partner know how much you enjoy being masturbated. Encourage them with affirmations or by opening your body up to their touch. Likewise, satisfy their masturbatory needs. 

Solosexuality is additional to any partnered sexuality.

When my partner asks what I did today, I tell him I masturbated. Doing this destigmatize masturbation. My bator boyfriend leaves his fleshlight around the house. Cummy tissues are commonplace. If he hears the bath running, he knows I am going to edge myself in the warm water. I don’t even need to close the door. He calls me goon. He says he loves that I masturbate. I sometimes ask him to masturbate for me. We lick each other’s balls and taints while we masturbate. All of this is on top of the penetrative sex which we frequently have together too. 

I will never take my bator relationship for granted. I’m not lucky. We worked at this. Both he and I work every day to keep those walls of secrecy from going up. Because I am aware of his masturbation, I see him as his most virile, sexual self. I want him to be that, for himself and for me. 

Bate is a language we talk. It’s our sanctuary. It’s ours. It’s his and it’s mine. Being a bator in love is possible. 

***If you decide to stay closeted, that’s your prerogative. Only you know your personal circumstances. Please understand that my advice here is general in nature. There are plenty of unbiased therapists who will help you work through how or why you might do this within your specific relationship.**

For more from Bateworld member Saboteur and his books:

Living As A Solosexual: A Manifesto – An excerpt from CEDAR: An Ode To Masturbation

Masturbation Affirmation: Overcoming Shame – An excerpt from CEDAR: An Ode To Masturbation

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