I sat on the corner of his bed pretending to read text messages and rapidly thinking about how to make the best escape. Perhaps it was the white Calvin Klein thong I decided to wear that night or maybe it was my suggestion to change up the porn and watch a 24 man orgy instead, but something was off. We began our bate session in the usual way; I showed up to his place with a 6 pack of Corona beer and he’d greet me with a generous bear hug. We made our way to his kitchen and spoke a bit about what work was looking like for the coming week. Once the beers kicked in, he loosened up, taking off his shirt and smiling coyly at me while I spoke about sneakers I was interested in buying. He asked if I was horny to which I replied with an enthusiastic “fuck yeah” and we made our way to his bedroom; the moment I dropped my pants the party fell.
We didn’t engage in the usual way this particular night and it stirred up feelings of rejection which was devastating coming from my bate brother. Somehow, our camaraderie had diminished and the playfulness he would usually share, changed into awkward coughing and uncomfortably pulling away from me when I offered a helping hand. He managed to finish way sooner than he had ever done before and I didn’t press for my turn; I simply thanked him for the time spent together and left. I texted the following evening and inquired if everything was ok and it took 4 days to get a response from him. He communicated to me that he felt something in me had changed and that my vibe was coming off too “faggy” for his liking.
When I think back on my sexual history, I can identify the troubling pattern of behavior that blocked me from fully embracing my sexuality; I believed that a certain type of sex wasn’t for me. One of the most important things you can do in life is to seek change within yourself and actively evolve your sexuality. The sex you enjoyed 5 years ago can be obsolete today and we should allow our curiosity to guide us into new territories of sexual expression. Be warned, that your journey will disrupt others due to their inability to accept the change you aspire to make. Wearing a thong and wanting to watch an all-male orgy porno didn’t make me “faggy”; it was unfamiliar to my Bate brother and he was not willing to accept it. In my sex research, I have learned that creating a safe space for your partner to explore and play without shame, will undoubtedly enhance the connection you both are wanting to make.
When you are confronted with feelings of uneasiness, it is best practice to engage your sexual inquisitiveness. We often feel compelled to revert to old habits of familiar sex to keep the relationships we have, but this runs the risk causing boredom which can lead to frustration. Perhaps I made the mistake of surprising my bate brother with a new side of me; a new version of me that he was unfamiliar with. Still, his reaction was unwarranted and based in sex shame which neither enhances or empowers either of your sexual vitality. We are under no obligation to want or give familiar sex and it is refreshing to know that we have the agency to reinvent ourselves anytime we wish. One of the greatest joys in life that you can give yourself is the gift of exploration. Go out and explore things that you truly desire, all within your comfort zone, and begin to empower yourself by communicating your new wants and needs.
I invite you, brothers, to see yourselves as an evolving sexual individual that requires regular sexual maintenance and enhancements. Take a break if you need it and dive deep into your own personal sex research and then set out to obtain your new-found wants. Change up the porn and discover new forms of sexual expression that gets your blood flowing. Go out and shop for new accessories and toys that excite your senses and spark joy. When we begin to understand that our own sexual liberation allows all brothers to do the same, we participate in creating a Bator brotherhood free of sex shame, which in turn enhances all of our interactions be it sexual and/or non-sexual. I invite you to take pride in your sexual experimentation and playfully allow your bate brothers to do the same.
Improv comedy shows only work when all actors come from a place of “yes, and” which fosters a sense of cooperation and denotes that you are a team player wanting everyone involved to succeed. So the next time you find yourself in a situation that stirs up feelings of uneasiness, I want you to tap into your curiosity and have fun with something new. Should the interaction completely turn you off, be a true gentleman, and keep the negative sex talk out of it; be brotherly to each other and leave humbled, but not defeated. You and your penis have the right to show off all the things that make you sexy and trust me when I say, that we’re all rooting for you.
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I’m not sure I totally understood this. Were you meeting up with a bate-bro that you’ve been with before many times, or was this a new person that you applied the old techniques to, and he wasn’t responding positively?
It was a regular brother that I would bate with. During our bate sessions together we would usually do the same kinds of things and I would often taken his lead. Then one night I decided to change things up and he didn’t respond positively to it.
I am looking for bate bro.
Once upon a time, a friend provided me an opportunity to be sexually spontaneous with him, and “allowed” myself. But my response afterward was so viscerally confusing that he excused himself to allow me to process. We talked the next day, and I apologized; because he was so wonderful. He was kind and accommodating in a way that I could not be with myself. I learned a lot about self-compassion in the years to follow, and am still trying to find ways to share that lesson with others.