Body image issues are an important topic and something I am particularly vocal about.
Some readers may remember my article All Sizes Are Good Sizes: Celebrating Dick Diversity and Overcoming Societal Expectations. If you haven’t read it yet, it is highly recommended.
Men and Body Issues
Body image issues for men are not talked about nearly enough, and seldom are they taken seriously. Women are more open about this subject than we are, and some men may not even realize that there is a problem. The primary factor that prevents men from speaking up is shame. Toxic cultural gender norms dictate that men are not allowed to be vulnerable because it is considered “unmanly” and a sign of weakness.
The stigma attached to male body image issues prevents many men from being open and honest, hiding instead behind a wall of stoicism. If we continue to be insincere and pretend that the problems don’t exist, the shame grows and festers inside of us. Shame is a fatal poison, the antithesis of beauty and pleasure.
Shame is a fatal poison, the antithesis of beauty and pleasure.
Human beings are impressionable, and we are incessantly bombarded with messages both blatant and subliminal about what is considered masculine, desirable, and acceptable. The cultural conditioning begins when we are young and contributes to childhood bullying and teenage peer pressure. We carry this trauma in our bodies well into adulthood. The images and messages we receive promote standards of body image and health that are often distorted, idealized, and unrealistic. For many people, these standards are unattainable, yet we are duped into believing that this is the norm.
Societal “Norms” and Their Impact
Whether or not we are cognizant of it, this has a deep and lasting impact on our self-esteem and mental health. Body dysmorphia is more than just feeling insecure about how we look. It is normal to have days when we don’t feel our best, but the psychological impact of body shame can cause us to obsessively focus on our perceived “flaws.” We are also prone to comparing ourselves to others as a form of self-validation. Toxic notions about what makes a “real man” have long been ingrained in our culture.
Overly aggressive, competitive, and compulsive behaviors are still sometimes accepted as just something that men do, i.e. “boys will be boys.” These harmful cultural notions set us up for failure, as men are expected to tear down ourselves and each other, instead of recognizing the individual value and beauty in us all.
Recently, I saw someone say that people “body shame themselves,” which is a load of bullshit. Body shame is an external force that is imposed on us. Those who are victims of body shame are not “doing it to themselves.” Such statements are victim-blaming and gaslighting, and completely ignore the root of the problem. It is far too easy to tell someone, “don’t compare yourself to others.”
We need to understand the hows and whys of the problem instead of telling people that it’s their own fault that they feel this way.
On the surface, it may seem like good advice, but it is about as helpful as telling a depressed person, “don’t be depressed.” Things don’t work that way. We need to understand the hows and whys of the problem instead of telling people that it’s their own fault that they feel this way. The influences are all around us every day.
The Influences
Hollywood has long been responsible for promoting artificial pop cultural notions of what is sexually desirable. Magazines and advertising sell us heavily edited images that do not accurately reflect the diversity of bodies in real life. Many porn studios profit from branding specific ideals of sexiness that are synthetic and homogenized.
The shallowness of dating and hookup apps is so rampant that it is common for profiles to include discriminatory captions disguised as preferences. The size queens, fatphobia, femme-shaming, and other issues have been well-documented and widely discussed. Racism and body image also go hand in hand because colonized beauty standards celebrate only whiteness.
Technology and social media are hugely beneficial to us in many ways, but they have also compounded the body image problem. If more realistic bodies were represented in the media we consume every day, it would make a huge difference in promoting body positivity and self-acceptance, and broadening the scope of what we find sexy.
So How Does All of This Apply to the Bator Community?
Masturbators are generally very supportive of one another, and most of what I see in the community is very positive. We celebrate brotherhood and are united through our pleasure. But I think some of us can do better. I have been in situations where I felt ignored, ostracized, and overlooked as the conventionally attractive men complimented each other on their beefy muscles, tight asses, and big dicks. It doesn’t feel good to be left out, and I fear that this happens far more often than many are willing to admit.
It is perfectly natural to admire male beauty and complement each other, but I challenge each of you to let your compassion override your preferences and biases. Acknowledge and include all your brothers, and help every man to feel good about his body. We all want to feel good. That’s what masturbation is all about.
It is also important to be mindful of the content we share on social media. It brings me great joy to see everyone sharing pictures of sexy men, but we need to remember that sexiness is a lot more than just young, thin, muscular, white, and hung. I have seen FAR too many pages displaying the same fit, generic body types over and over again, and FAR too many pictures of men with penises that have been greatly exaggerated or digitally manipulated. I find these trends disturbing.
How We Can Celebrate and Improve Our Self-Image
If we are to properly challenge the narrow beauty standards in our society and the harm they cause, then we must celebrate ALL male beauty in its diversity. What we promote matters, and if we are not making an effort to shift the paradigm, we are consciously or unconsciously allowing the problem to continue.
One thing we can do to improve our self-image is to love ourselves. In a world that tries to pull us down and make us feel like shit about ourselves, self-love is a radical act of defiance and self-empowerment. Masturbation allows us to get in touch with our bodies and take the time to get to know them intimately.
Pleasure is a sacred healer that can teach us to appreciate and accept ourselves as we are. My motto is: “GO LOVE YOURSELF!” It is essential, fundamental, and makes a huge difference in how we see ourselves, and the way we treat each other. Self-love is the first half of the recipe. The other half is challenging hegemonic body standards and sharing the love and beauty with everyone.
It is important to understand how we play a part in these issues, and it is our responsibility to make a difference. We can unravel our cultural conditioning by making an earnest effort to challenge the culture that created it. The crucial lesson that most people miss is that beauty is complex and multifaceted. Each of us shines our own unique reflection on the beautiful gem of male pleasure.
We can unravel our cultural conditioning by making an earnest effort to challenge the culture that created it.
I implore you to recognize and celebrate the beauty in us all. In the words of the late Divine from his 1984 anthem: “I’m so beautiful. Well, everybody’s welcome to this point of view. We’re ALL beautiful. Can’t you see?”
Written by BateWorld member StrokingtheSoul
Twitter @StrokingtheSoul
Click here to read more by StrokingtheSoul
There is a lot of wisdom in this! I speak from my own experience, because for almost 40 years of my adult life I experienced plenty of shame over my appearance, thinking I was too skinny and not attractive enough. This came about because I made the common mistake of comparing myself with other men. However, IMO there is a step of spiritual and psychological maturity beyond feeling a victim of anything and anyone external to yourself. Respectfully, I submit that ultimately each one of us IS responsible for how we feel about our own body. Individual beauty comes from within. I feel that it is wise to work on not comparing ourselves to others, and to allow your inner light to shine out. Regardless of your physical appearance, many others will recognize this and appreciate you as you are. – Bruce Paul Grether, AKA The Bate Master
As within, so without. You both share each side of this. How we feel internal about ourselves against what the outside might say or believe. It all happens simultaneously and it’s a huge part of our lives most of us will forever be working on. There isn’t consistency. We can bring this to the surface and have open discussions to bring the issue to light and hopefully help to alleviate it some, that we all suffer and fight to be loved, by others and ourselves.
Yes, Edward, I totally agree about without and within. They are ultimately one and the same! Loving yourself is always a work-in-progress. My own key experience came in 1995 when I discovered what I later came to call Mindful Masturbation. I re-trained myself to masturbate with far greater skill, for longer periods and made ejaculation a choice. Within six weeks of experiencing all the intense erotic ecstasy I could possibly want every day, my old habits of poor self-esteem began to dissolve from neglect. Dysfunction need to be fed negativity to remain in place. We have this choice, this power. By shifting to how good I could possibly feel about myself, I came to love and appreciate myself far better as I AM. This is why the basis of masturbatory alchemy and Sex Magick is to work to transform your inner and outer realities simultaneously. Deliberately change how you feel and your experience of reality changes. The Buddhist wisdom is to go within, because when you do this with your awareness, you end up changing your relationship with external realities for the better. Mindfulness just means being present in your body. – BPG
I must respectfully disagree, Bruce. What you say has a kernel of truth to it, but you seem to willingly ignore the rest of the equation. I have tried to talk to you about this before.
You cannot deny the psychological impact that our experiences have on us. You’re placing all the responsibility on the individual and ignoring the root of the problem.
Are we responsible for how we feel about ourselves? Yes, to a certain degree. But as I said in the article, you can’t just tell someone “don’t compare yourself to others.” It doesn’t work that way. It is a much more complex problem than that.
Humans are social creatures, products of our environments, and consumers of media, all of which shapes who we are. This has been proven time and time again. It is ingrained in our culture, and the problem is even more prevalent now in the age of digital media.
Yes, we need to love ourselves and recognize our inner beauty. That is most important. No question about that. But that is only one part of the solution. We also need to challenge the cultural influences that make people feel this way. And we all need to take responsibility for our part in it. If you are not actively doing your part to promote body positivity and the diversity of beauty, then you are contributing to the system that allows harmful beauty standards to exist.
We all can better. Including you, Bruce. I ask you to make the effort.
It’s not just body image. I just published a blog post that dealt with shaming for habits and for performing certain sex acts, and that doesn’t even touch on the fact that “no insertive activity” may itself have the effect of shaming some of us who participate in gay sex.