Let’s flip the script, shall we.
The Bateworld community is filled with all types of men of many different orientations. It’s what makes it a welcoming, colorful, awesome place; it’d be boring otherwise. Out of the bunch, I find it most interesting to meet bators of the community who are happily married, mostly to women, whom have a healthy, happy, fulfilled sex life together. Yet here they are, on Bateworld, masturbating with other men. Now, I’m not surprised, I’m not putting judgement on anyone. I’m really most interested in hearing from their partner. Do they know? What do they think about this? Is this balance possible?
Yes. Yes, it is.
As men, we know why we come here, we know what drives us, what interests us, and furthermore, how we like to take care of ourselves sexually aside from a partner. As a community of, well, 100% men, the conversation really only goes so far. I want to hear from these women. How do they feel about their boyfriends or husbands being part of Bateworld. Do they know? Are they open? What are their own sexual desires? Does it turn them on knowing their men chat with other men? So, I took it upon myself to reach out to a fellow member who also contributes to The Bator Blog, Stefan (Stefan Jax). He is bisexual, a masturbator, and happily married to his beautiful wife, Kathy.
We wanted to hear from her personally, if willing, and how she feels about her husband. Not just his sexuality, but to get to know a bit about her, where she’s coming from, and her feelings/opinions of Stefan being a regular member of Bateworld.
She agreed to sit down with me for a chat and to answer the following questions. We ask you keep an open mind and respect both her and her husband for opening up and sharing a bit of their lives with us.
EDWARD: Before meeting Stefan, or, growing up, what were your views on homosexuality, bisexuality, 
the LGBTQ community in general?
KATHY: Growing up, I was part of an evangelical church. I was taught that sex is only for marriage, and only for a man and a woman. But it didn’t seem to be something that was much talked about. I don’t remember anyone in school making a big deal about homosexuality one way or another. Where I worked while in high school, there was an effeminate male high school student who was occasionally referred to as being gay, but again, not a real issue. Being from an inner city area, people were more concerned about finances and multiracial relationships, at least it seemed to me. When I graduated and started working in a big library system, I met two female employees who were a couple. I knew I was taught that it was “wrong,” but I saw them as fellow human beings with whom I could interact normally and not concern myself with their sexuality.
EDWARD: Did you ever question your own sexuality?
KATHY: I remained a virgin until we got married. Unfortunately, that meant I was not knowledgeable about sex, very hesitant about it, and not really comfortable with it. In hindsight, I wonder if circumstances resulted in me having a low sex drive, or whether that is just how I am. I never thought about the level of my sex drive or that it might be different than that of others, until recently. What I realize now is that my main interest was and is in being held. I love cuddling, strokes, hugs, etc. But only with a man. I never had an attraction to females.
EDWARD: When in your relationship with Stefan did he come out to you? What was your reaction? Were you surprised, taken aback? Was this something you had previously thought about in a relationship?
KATHY: Stefan and I met at work. We did not work in the same building, though, so I didn’t see him often. One day during a work-related phone conversation, he mentioned that it was his birthday. I asked him what he was doing to celebrate, and he said he was going to hang out at the beach, by himself. I said he couldn’t spend his birthday by himself, so I would join him. In my naiveté, I saw this as a friend thing, but he saw it as more. After that, we went to a festival together, and that time it felt like a date to me. We went out another time, taking a walk on the beach, and that is when he told me about his past history of gay relationships and gay sex. However, he said that he was currently celibate, he would now say solosexual, (For more on solosexuality check out Living As A Solosexual: A Manifesto by M.B. Timothy) and had been attending a Christian recovery group for ex-gays. This was a big surprise to me, but because I knew him to be Christian, I gave myself time to let this sink in and decided to keep an open mind. We had a lot in common, and became very close, and eventually decided to get married.
EDWARD: Was there anything about this you worried about, or that you needed to gain a better understanding of before accepting? Anything you still wonder or think about that needs clarity? I imagine your relationship must be an open book at this point, and some things you may want to keep private, so please only answer if you’re comfortable.
KATHY: It was only recently that I came to understand that he is bisexual. I truly believed at the time that he had been homosexual, and then “changed” to become heterosexual.
EDWARD: Did it ever feel like he loved you any less or did this make your love blossom into something even more than you could imagine?
KATHY: I always felt that he loved me, but in recent years, I felt a distance between us. I responded by trying to push him to spend more time with me, and that just caused him to withdraw further, causing me to push harder, and so forth. He seemed to be obsessed with a male friend, and I kept challenging him about that, but he would never admit it. Things were getting worse, and then one day I looked at his phone and saw that he was arranging to meet a man for “sex” (bate date). I was absolutely crushed. I thought about leaving. I looked everywhere for advice. When I confronted Stefan, he was subdued. He had decided to start telling me the truth. I was heartbroken. He told me that he is bisexual. But he was steadfast in saying that he wanted to stay together. He was willing to negotiate on limits, but we were very far apart on terms. Then there was another revelation, caused by a misunderstanding about our agreement. I resolved at that time that I definitely had to leave. I started looking for an apartment. I told Stefan what I had found out, and that my decision was made. Again, he insisted that he loved me and wanted to stay together. He asked if we could go to counseling. I finally agreed to do that. That process revolutionized our relationship. I thought the counselor would tell him that everything was his fault and he needed to change. Instead, she challenged me to make changes in myself, and she spoke the hard truth that I had not been a “safe” person for Stefan to be honest with, and also, I wasn’t a likeable person at that point. I also ended up starting on antidepressants for untreated dysthymia (low grade depression), which made a huge positive difference in my life. Stefan and I agreed to be completely honest with each other, and that has made our relationship stronger and better than ever. We agreed that he could have bate dates in person, approximately once per month, ideally with a mutual friend, but also with strangers whom he carefully vets. He also is on Bateworld frequently. He has offered me freedom to do whatever I want sexually, but I am not interested.
EDWARD: Are you sexually turned on by two men? Does thinking about Stefan having a bate experience with another man turn you on?
KATHY: I am probably a bad example, because of my low sex drive. I am not comfortable watching sexual acts in general, and especially not between same-sex individuals; I am just not used to it, and I have my Christian teachings still in mind. I would prefer that Stefan not have bate experiences. However, I am accepting of it because I feel confident that he loves me. Through this process, I learned that sexual attraction and fulfillment is different than love. I was initially concerned that by Stefan having these intimate experiences with other men, he might fall in love with someone else and leave me. So far, there has been no sign of that happening. I have just the other day had the thought that I could possibly imagine how a relationship could form between Stefan and a hypothetical mutual male friend, with the three of us cuddling together, and the two men bating together. This is a big leap for me to even have the thought.
EDWARD: Have you ever been a part of Stefans bator experiences or has he ever tried to include you? What was it like? If you haven’t, is this something you’d be interested in exploring?
KATHY: No.
EDWARD: What would you tell women today who have or might have a bisexual husband, or interest in masturbating with other men? Any advice on understanding or being open to the idea.
KATHY: I would tell women that while I never would have thought of accepting this, that an open and honest conversation with their man may bring them to a new awareness and understanding of what can be acceptable to both partners.
EDWARD: What do you think about Stefan being a member on Bateworld? In what ways has it helped your relationship, has it given it balance?
KATHY: Bateworld has been a big help to our relationship, because it gives my husband a sexual outlet that makes him happy, does not threaten our relationship, and relieves the pressure on me to perform sexually. We are very fortunate, in that Stefan is bisexual and therefore does have an attraction to me, and we do still have sexual intercourse together. In addition, I am very proud of my husband, because he has been able to help support men he meets on Bateworld who are going through various hard times. It may be that they are Christians who feel guilty about what they are doing, or married men whose wives don’t know what they are doing. My husband is a compassionate listener and gives them hope that things can get better.
EDWARD: Would you recommend Bateworld to the boyfriends and husbands of other women in a similar situation as yours?
KATHY: Yes. I do feel it is important for this to be out in the open, though, if at all possible. It seems that many people use Bateworld in secret, and that can lead to distrust in a relationship. Finding out after the fact almost ended my marriage, but fortunately we both fought to maintain our relationship.
EDWARD: This has been quite an ambiguous question and I’d love a females response to it, especially one with the experience as your own. What are your thoughts on men who consider themselves heterosexual, but enjoy masturbation with another man, whether in-person or here on Bateworld?
KATHY: I see no problem with it. Sexuality is complicated, and I think people can explore different ways of sexual satisfaction without putting a label on themselves. I have learned that all men are fascinated with penises, and watching someone ejaculate can be exciting for any man.
EDWARD: It’s been a pleasure, Kathy. You’re a voice for many. Thank you so much for your time.
Stefan Jax is known as Doggyboner on Bateworld.
Want to share the experience with a fellow bisexual bator? Become a Bateworld PREMIUM MEMBER today!
Candid, courageous, helpful, hopeful. Thank you.
I feel for Kathy. But men can separate sex and love differently than women. So I imagine he can bate with a man and come back to a loving relationship with his wife.
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Great, honest interview, so nice to hear from the female perspective since we more often hear from the male side. And I’ve cyber bated with marrieds who commonly hide the fact from their wives that they’re masturbators. On rare occassions I’ll chat with a bator whos wifey knows he masturbates but he’ll not let her know how much he does it and/or that he spends time on sites like BW.
Which always puzzled me, how could a guy not share this bit of (important) sexual info with a partner. But then again, I’ve always chickened out sharing with gal friends I’m intimate with that I’m really a better bator – than a fuck. And how I wished we could be open & honest and perhaps share the experience with her and share a bate. But I never did/have.
I think Kathy sums up sex best with her answer that: Sexuality is complicated… And yes we really should/could be more open about it.
Thank you Kathy, very honest encouraging
Good point Robwanker, Kathy graciously went outside of her comfort zone to answer such personal questions about their sexual relationship. And should be commended.
An honest, candid interview, and very similar to my situation. Cudos to Kathy for doing the interview. What she expresses is very similar to what my wife feels. I recently had a cousin come out to his wife, who has had difficulty accepting and they are going to counseling. I’m going to forward this interview to them. Thank you!
Perhaps opening up like Kathy did will allow her to explore her own sexual interests and needs better as well. There’s always more to learn + increase our comfort levels about sex.
Thank you, Kathy, for such a thoughtful, honest interview. You are very courageous for doing this! I am about to come out to my wife as bisexual, and this is after 46 years of marriage. I’m a pretty late bloomer on understanding and acknowledging my sexual orientation. I hope and pray that she will react with some level of understanding, as you have with Stefan. All the best to you both!!
Your comment to an article and saying that you were coming out to your wife of 46 years…Hits a nerve w me as I’m a late bloomer who is contemplating telling my wife of 43 years that I’m probably bi. If you receive this and have any wish to discuss the intricacies of male sexuality in a hetero relationship, please give me a shout.
@dtraveler I shared your comment with Kathy and she asked me to tell you we wish you well. All of the comments here have been so nice. We thank you guys
Hi Stafan. Sharing this is pretty brave on a public forum.
My wife knows about, and greatly supports, my trips to NYJacks. Loving me means loving all of me and she does.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL, INSIGHTFUL STORY. THANK YOU.
the information from the wife’s perspective given in this interview is devastating in conjunction with the content from the husband’s articles. it really reduces the husband’s reputation.
i would like to find out more about the counselor they saw, and how they arrived at the conclusion that the wife was not “safe” or “likable” for the husband to approach with his issues. although i believe this could have been true, it’s clear that the wife is a more susceptible person and trusting of authority. plus, if there is a spectrum, how “unsafe” could the wife have been in comparison to the ex-gay ministry the husband had attended earlier in life?
it’s also clear that there is a third major factor in this relationship. it’s the religion, which affected both of them and the thinking and choices they made in the relationship from the very beginning.
i feel for the wife. she was just thrown some pills for “depression” but is she being encouraged to pursue ecstasy in whatever her own sexualities are, masturbatory or otherwise? her logic that “he’s bisexual” therefore “he’s attracted to me” really makes me wonder about what’s going on. how many hours of bliss or orgasms per month is he giving her? she says she’s discovering she loves being held and cuddled, but does not say that he gives that to her all the time, yet is compelled to justify the husband may be attracted to her and they are “still having intercourse,” being bisexual or even having intercourse is not synonymous with attraction, so her reliance on that logic makes me suspicious.
this interview is valuable to be taken into account when reading the husband’s articles, and for this reason i am grateful to the wife for giving the interview. i wish both of them well
@pleasure, thank you for your thoughtful response. You ask some probing questions, but also jump to some conclusions. I appreciate that you are respectful and caring for both of us, so wanted to reply. Also, since my wife is not a Bateworld member I share all of the comments to her interview with her and I will share yours and she can reply if she wants. I will post it here.
First, I’m not clear on how you mean that my wife’s perspective is “devastating” or reduces my “reputation.”
Our counselor was an experienced Cognitive Behavioral Therapist who identifies as Christian and who is LGBTQ affirming. She was perfect for us in many ways. We spent the better part of two years with her both as a couple and as individuals in 1:1 sessions. Needless to say, it’s hard to cover the depth and complexity of all we discussed and went through. There were a lot of tensions that built up in 20 years of marriage and sexuality was just one of them. I became more secretive and my wife responded by being more controlling. The counselor helped us communicate honestly and openly and realize no one owns another person, even in a marriage relationship. Yes, we’ve both had issues with giving in too much to authority figures in our lives. However, if I felt in any way that my wife suggesting we open our marriage was as a result of any kind of coercion, manipulation or that she wasn’t fully informed and independent when she made her decision, I would not have been comfortable with it. Both parties are equal in a marriage and I reject the notion of the “man as head of the household.”
In terms of religion, yes, it was and is a major influence in our lives. Our views on religion and sexuality have evolved over the years and continue to. The “ex-gay” ministry was a data point along the way. It was brief and not as scarring as it might have been. The people there were caring and we were all on a journey. I actually learned some things about myself. However, we now know that even those who ran such ministries acknowledge they don’t work and no longer run them. I am a member on another site for LGBTQ Christians where there are hundreds of couples in mixed-orientation marriages. So many of them feel hopeless. There are also some who have been brave enough to explore the open option and like us have had positive results.
Far from having been “thrown some pills,” the medicines my wife received were life changing for both of us in a good way. I’ve worked in the mental health field and see the benefits of such medicines all the time. With the exception of age, our sex life together is not much different than it was. We have different libidos which we’ve both accepted, and I am openly bi. And yes, she was and is encouraged to explore sexual pleasure more by both our counselor and myself in whatever ways she likes. We have a deep emotional bond and attachment to each other that we wouldn’t trade for the world.
Thank you again for your well wishes and thoughtful comments which help move the conversation forward.