Ask The Batemaster: To Tell Or Not To Tell, That Is The Question

How do I tell my partner I’m a masturbator?

QUESTION:

My sex life with my partner is very healthy. How do I bring up my masturbation addiction to them, especially considering that I’m a chronic edger/gooner?

RESPONSE:

Many men who are partnered, but who also adore self-pleasure deal with this situation. The dynamic depends very much on the emotional security of the other person, as well as the maturity of the relationship. When you are having nice sexual relations with your partner, but also want to enjoy your edging and gooning, except they don’t know about it, ideally, it’s best to have no secrets. It’s good to test the waters and figure out if your partner is ready to accept this about you without major disruption of your relationship.

A good way to begin is just to discuss the matter in more general terms, not talking about yourself and your own relationship specifically, but putting it in terms of how things work for some couples. Go light on details at first, and don’t be too obvious where it’s leading. Don’t put it in terms of something you necessarily want, but as broader speculation about human nature and the dynamics of how some people’s relationships work.

Unfortunately, some couples combine a partner with a strong desire for masturbation, with someone who doesn’t feel the same drive, or at least they believe that it ought to be completely fulfilled in the sex between the partners. This second person may have good intentions, but they may be programmed by the cultural concept of monogamy, to believe that the partners should be able to be all things to each other, and to provide all needs. In practice, over the long run this is seldom true, and usually not realistic.

At the same time, if you really love them, and you can tell they would feel threatened, would have a hard time accepting that you also want to masturbate a lot, be careful about revealing your true needs in this realm. In the long term, you have to be true to yourself, and you should not deny yourself what you really want and need. However, in the short term, consider the consequences and try to understand this from their perspective. Even if you would not have the same reaction, ask yourself seriously: Is it worth endangering this relationship to insist on having what I want in this situation?

Overall, it’s true, “Honesty is the best policy,” and having no secrets from each other is ideal. Only life is often far from ideal. Perhaps what they don’t know for now, will not hurt them. You have the right to as much pleasure as you want. If you choose to continue hiding your practice from them, just prepare yourself well for what happens if they finds out. That may actually turn out for the best.

If you sound your partner out, and decided to tell them, one good approach is to say, “Because I am this way does not mean I love you any less. In fact, if we could try doing this together, it would be wonderful. And if you don’t want to, that’s also okay.” A loving partner wants their partner to be happy, and it definitely goes both ways.

A note from The Batemaster: I’m honored that the guys at Bateworld have asked me to respond to some questions from male masturbators around the world every week.

Always check with your doctor about any issues you might be experiencing with your sexual organs. Prompt diagnosis and treatment are important. This article’s purpose is to inform and entertain readers and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment.