QUESTION:
I’ve read what you say about increasing pure penis pleasure in quantity and quality to gradually “burn away” masturbation shame and guilt. Your teachings have helped me increase the good part a lot, but still the shame hits me every time after I shoot. I feel terrible after I come! How to stop that?
RESPONSE:
You have a lot of company in terms of associating feelings of guilt and shame with self-pleasure, especially after climax. This is a complex and challenging issue for almost all male masturbators, who tend to suffer from such feelings to far greater and far lesser degrees. Conditioning on this subject happens from a very early age, when caretakers may discourage you from touching yourself between the legs at all, or at least in front of other people. The conditioning may be stridently obvious, or subtle and gradual.
Cultural and religious beliefs and assumptions get tangled up with what could otherwise be a simple matter of health and well-being. In extreme cases, the conditioning may prove extreme enough to result in actual fear, which can prevent a fellow from deliberately touching his genitals at all. The opposite extreme is those relatively rare guys who are taught from an early age that masturbation is healthy, natural, harmless, and perhaps even beneficial. Most are somewhere between the extremes.
As I’ve written on this subject before, you cannot overcome the negative feelings that may follow ejaculatory orgasm just by using reason, and accurate scientific and medical facts. Of course, the modern study of sexuality does reveal that masturbation is harmless and can even be beneficial when pursued without shame or self-loathing. However, your conditioned feelings are still all too common in today’s world, despite better access to information.
It is true that increasing the quantity and quality of erotic self-pleasure begins to reduce guilt and shame. It shifts you to a more positive, constructive association with the sensations, and Mindful Masturbation produces actual rewiring of your nervous system and brain.
“It is true that increasing the quantity and quality of erotic self-pleasure begins to reduce guilt and shame.”
This may prove more effective, however, if you train yourself at the same time to ejaculate less often. Work to change the outline of your sessions so that many of them end without the common ejaculatory orgasm. At the end you can simply relax, meditate to absorb the energy, or perform the Taoist cultivation practice called a Big Draw.
During self-stimulation, you generate a delicious cocktail of brain chemicals and hormones, including dopamine and oxytocin. These increase while you pleasure yourself and make you feel intensely good overall. When you ejaculate, the influence of this inner chemistry becomes fragile, as any upset may dissolve a lot of that “feel good” stuff in more stress-related chemistry.
Learn to keep relaxed in the aftermath of stimulation, without an ejaculation. This may allow you to explore new territory where you have never been before.
I haven’t got a simple therapeutic “how to” for you, but I hope that something here helps!
A note from The Batemaster: I’m honored that the guys at BateWorld have asked me to respond to some questions from male masturbators around the world every week.
Always check with your doctor about any issues you might be experiencing with your sexual organs. Prompt diagnosis and treatment are important. This article’s purpose is to inform and entertain readers and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment.
Similar Articles of Interest:
How You Can Overcome Masturbation Shame
Ask The Batemaster: Shame After Cumming
Ask The Batemaster: I Still Feel Some Shame
This is such a tough hurdle to overcome. So many of us have been indoctrinated from such a young age on how bad, abnormal or sinful masturbation was. Despite this we couldn’t keep our hands off our cocks. We couldn’t resist the lure of that sensation in the pit of our stomachs and loins. When we finished masturbating we felt so guilty and/or shamed. I don’t know, or can’t pinpoint, when exactly I started losing these remorseful feelings. I have been a life long masturbator and sometime during my younger life, say in my thirties, my conscience began to be more forgiving. It may have been due to my disillusionment with the church or just becoming more assertive, more determined and more sure of myself as I matured. I can say that once I got into my late fifties and early sixties I definitely shed all negative feelings surrounding masturbation. It was then that I started actively seeking out and wanting to masturbate rather than just masturbating for relief. It was also when I began to edge, or unknowingly started Mindful Masturbation. (As Bruce refers to)
I now realize that I am a masturbator and that I love to masturbate. I embrace it and accept this without guilt or shame. Some of you may never reach this point as our culture still ridicules masturbation and still surrounds it with shame and guilt. (Ironic because most men, and women do masturbate.) It took me many years to reach this point. So it is a long , developing journey. You will not suddenly wake up one day and be free of your negative feelings. Be patient, be persistent and keep telling yourself there is nothing wrong with pleasuring yourself. Eventually you will come to believe this. Good luck and bate on, brothers.
Hi Selfrewarder – it’s uncanny, you’ve described my situation exactly. I’m in my mid sixties and I can say that I have finally shed the feelings of guilt I have carried with me all my life. I finally identify as a masturbator and embrace it and now see my masturbation as a fulfilment of my self. It’s wonderful!
Keep masturbating !,
Many years ago I use to suffer from the same fate, guilt after ejaculating. I hated that but I could not overcome it. I also believe that masturbating secretly and the fear of being found out or getting caught played a big part too. How awkward and embarrassing to get caught or found out. Also in my case fantasizing about men added to that shame so I got a double whammy. I did not get depression but just shame and a guilty feeling and swear to myself I would stop. However nature always took care of that. The only thing that took care of that guilt for me was time. During my younger days there was no information available like today so I had to reason it out in my head. If only there was reassuring information back then like there is today. Thinking back I don’t know why it was such a taboo subject. It does not hurt anyone, it is not dangerous, in fact it is the safest form of relief possible. Just hang in there and enjoy your penis. When used safely and responsibly it is a wonderful built in pleasure device. Even if stranded on a desert island it is with you to entertain yourself. Get a good mindset, understanding that pleasuring yourself is first not a bad thing, it is a good thing, second, it is a safe thing, and third, it is a healthy thing, and finally, a fun and pleasurable thing. It is yours so have fun and enjoy it.
Another approach, which seldom gets much validation, is if the shame will not go away, intensifies the more recognition it gets, is to eroticize the shame. Shame can be an aphrodisiac. Similar to “if you can’t beam ’em, join ’em.” Some men can enjoy feeling dirty and perverted.