Shame is something learned, usually from very early in life. However, I can offer you a way to gradually dissolve and finally eliminate such shame entirely!
QUESTION:
This is hard to admit to myself, because of how much I love the bate, but whenever I come, which is at least once a day, I realize that some of the old shame, a guilty feeling about it from my teens bubbles up inside me. It really spoils things! I’m in my 30s now, and I don’t want this to continue for the rest of my life. What can I do about this, Bruce? HEEELP!!!
RESPONSE:
Thanks so much for asking; it’s an important issue! Reason and logic can only begin to chip away at this kind of shame. Sure, it seems unreasonable, but this is very much an emotional issue, too. Shame is something learned, usually from very early in life. However, I can offer you a way to gradually dissolve and finally eliminate such shame entirely!
In a variety of ways most boys grow into puberty and then manhood being taught that the body and the genitals in particular are at least somewhat shameful, should be kept hidden, or even that their existence ought to be ignored. Sometimes the entire matter is dismissed with farcical and forced humor. At any rate, many young boys who will naturally clutch their genitals from a toddling age onward, are scolded. Their hand may be forcibly removed from their penis. They are often told such activity is wrong, or at least that it must be kept totally private.
Some adults sincerely think they are doing the right thing to steer young men away from the simple and shameless enjoyment of male genitals and the remarkable sensations they can produce. Peer pressure can prove just as distorted and twisted. Some of this conditioning is social and cultural common ground beliefs, some may come from religious authority. Regardless of source, it is incredibly destructive.
Though some guys end up in counseling or therapy to help them overcome shame, even those professionals they deal with may have an attitude of only accepting sexuality. A far more sane and helpful attitude is one of actively positive sexuality, to encourage the celebration of natural, healthy attitudes and behaviors around your male body, your penis, masturbation and erotic enjoyment in general. Some therapists may subtly reinforce shame even as they try to help.
Retrain yourself to masturbate with more creativity and skill. To accomplish this, break patterns of behavior, and try new things.
Most valuable and effective in my experience and observation is to take a temporary break from other forms of sexual activity. Retrain yourself to masturbate with more creativity and skill. To accomplish this, break patterns of behavior, and try new things. Begin using your self-pleasure mindfully to rewire your nervous system and brain. Persist and keep practicing: practice! Practice! Practice!
When you can teach yourself to experience far longer and far higher-quality masturbatory ecstasy, this begins to do the work for you. It gradually dissolves the shame around the sensations and the experience. Your self-esteem improves as you shed the layers of learned, acquired shame and guilt. Eventually, those negative feelings will be gone. It’s a win-win process.
Good luck on your exciting journey!
A note from The Batemaster: I’m honored that the guys at Bateworld have asked me to respond to some questions from male masturbators around the world every week.
Always check with your doctor about any issues you might be experiencing with your sexual organs. Prompt diagnosis and treatment are important. This article’s purpose is to inform and entertain readers and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment.
Growing up in a Catholic household, Catholic school and with a widowed religious mother, I was taught that masturbation was not normal and actually was a sin that begged forgiveness. My mother “caught” me self stimulating through mattress/pillow humping a couple of times during my pre puberty years. (I had been enjoying cock stimulation since I was 5-6 years old) Bless her heart, all she said was that it was a dangerous practice to get into-no fits, no lectures. (I think deep in her heart, as only mothers do, she knew I was destined to be a masturbator.) As I teen I could not stay away from my cock no matter what I tried or wanted to do. I would go to confession every Saturday and get absolution from the priest for my sin of “touching the wrong places.” I would go home feeling cleansed and when changing back to my street clothes I would “play” with my cock again and again all week.
As a young adult I felt guilty about masturbating instead of going out, finding a woman and fucking her brains out. (crude, I know). After marriage I felt guilty about masturbating instead of fucking my wife more than 3-4 times a day. (aw, young love). About 4-5 years ago I reflected and reminisced about my desires to masturbate and reconciled, within myself, that I was a a life long masturbator. I looked at my masturbation history and remembered many opportunities during my life that indicated I was destined to be a masturbator, maybe “chosen” to be a masturbator. There is a distinction between being a man that masturbates and a man who is a masturbator.
So reflection, thoughts, reconciliation and yes, justification, has for me shed any guilty feelings that were strong as a teen and slowly diminished over time. I must include that religion has also played a diminishing role in my life as time went on. Now that my wife has virtually lost interest in sex I feel vindicated in being a life long masturbator, a man that loves to masturbate, a man that feels no guilt nor shame about masturbation.
One other thought-being a member of BW, seeing and chatting with all of the other men that are masturbators also shows that “we” are not alone and “we” have much support.
Thanks for your wonderful account of your personal history as a masturbator, Brother! I was not raised Catholic, and my Protestant parents were quite liberal and progressive, so I was shocked when I learned that Catholicism considers masturbation a “mortal sin,” meaning you will go to Hell for it unless you do the right penance. I’ve always suspected many Father Confessors get aroused while listening to confessions of boys and men admitting they masturbate. We are all human, right?
Ah the ‘guiltys’… a learned behavior.
I’m guessing that’s something many or perhaps all of us have had to deal with as bators. Discovering those amazing pleasures we can give ourselves and then feeling ashamed afterwards. And wondering why am I feeling this way after doing something that felt so amazing. I know I sure did. Thinking gosh I really shouldn’t be doing this (masturbating).
Eventually as I got older I realized who cares… Forget what age exactly this happened, but one day I realized this is something I really enjoy doing, so just do it. Who cares. It’s something so personal to me, my sexual pleasure. It’s mine to enjoy.
Thanks as always for your sensible response to the subject of the blog!
Hi Brothers,
I just want to set the record straight about Catholic beliefs and teaching. Masturbation is not considered a Mortal sin, rather it is considered a Veneal sin. Veneal sins are minor sins and can be forgiven with a couple Hail Marys and Our Fathers. These were my usual penance, as a teen, when I confessed every Saturday to my parish priest that I masturbated. I always wondered if he thought to himself, “Here is that same boy again, cofessing about playing with himself.”
I will not argue with you on this, Brother, but even the Catholic Church has sub-sets within it, including the Latin, Roman, and seven non-Latin forms of Catholicism, Greek and Eastern Orthodox variations, etc. Several men raised Catholic that I know were told (perhaps by priests offering their own twisted opinions, not official doctrtine) that masturbation was a mortal sin and you would go to Hell for it if you did not do the proper penance. Not every priest or nun can. be counted on to perfectly represent, I suppose, what the Church itself says. — BPG