“I still feel some guilt and shame after I come…”
QUESTION:
I still feel some guilt and shame after I come. Even though I know better—I should not feel this. It’s not during the bate itself, when I’m in Heaven. But after, I almost get depressed. It’s not Hell, but I’m always pretty bummed out. Why? Why just then…?
RESPONSE:
You are far from alone in this experience. I get this kind of question almost as much as concerns over penis size! Remember: all guilt and shame you feel about masturbation, either during, or as in your case mainly after the fact, is learned, acquired feelings conditioned into you. This does not actually come from the act of masturbation, or the ejaculatory orgasm and its aftermath specifically. This is a matter of unfortunate associations established with those experiences due to episodes in your personal history.
Most likely those events occurred very early in your life. Very possible you have no conscious memory at all of those traumatic experiences of embarrassment, or even active scolding and interference in your behavior, which may have established the pattern, or at least set it in motion.
My own journey of conquering poor self-esteem was not over masturbation or my sexuality itself. Rather, upon entering puberty I grew painfully shy about my skinny body. I compared myself with other boys in the showers after athletics; I judged myself severely inadequate. It took me many years to learn that all sorts of men, in terms of appearance, can be attractive to various other people. It was mostly in my own eyes that I fell short. In reality, no one must appeal to everyone else. None of us needs to match mainstream ideals of physical beauty.
More important in this analogy, once I discovered the basis of Mindful Masturbation, how to continue to masturbate indefinitely, for as long as I wished to enjoy the pleasure before choosing to ejaculate, I began to change. My focus shifted from fearful inadequacy to some good aspects of myself, meaning how incredibly good I could make myself feel! At that time, in 1995, I then spent six weeks without ejaculating, though I spent hours every day in high erotic states of masturbatory bliss.
To develop this skill and practice, practice, practice it, is not guaranteed to eliminate all guilt and shame you feel when you do choose to ejaculate. However, I have seen over the years that it does help many men to diminish any lingering uncertainty and awkward feelings in the aftermath of ejaculation. To make ejaculation a choice, to retain your semen for longer and longer periods though you do masturbate plenty, is not the same as edging, but something beyond edging. Edging can be marvelous, but it is often very focused on control and a limited range of arousal very close to ejaculatory orgasm.
I suggest you seek to enjoy your penis and the pleasure it can give you at every stage from totally soft to rock hard. Shift your focus away from ejaculation as a goal. Hopefully the intensity of your pleasure will begin to also work on the aftermath of your ejaculations.
I hope this helps!
A note from The Batemaster: I’m honored that the guys at Bateworld have asked me to respond to some questions from male masturbators around the world every week.
Always check with your doctor about any issues you might be experiencing with your sexual organs. Prompt diagnosis and treatment are important. This article’s purpose is to inform and entertain readers and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment.
I agree – the pleasures that come from extended sessions without ejaculation leave me with a euphoric high vs. the feeling of falling off a cliff that often accompany an ejaculation. To me, this is something that I missed out on for years, as I was a frequent ejaculatory until about 11 years ago. While I didn’t have guilty feelings, the post ejaculatory drop off left me somewhat unsatisfied and restless at times. Now, even in my 50s, I feel invigorated and find myself quickly aroused again, if the opportunity presents itself.
Ah the guiltys… It’s such an interesting behavior we learn to deal with, in various ways too. Perhaps it’s a learned behavior.
Gosh I remember the early days of discovering masturbation and then feeling terribly guilty about what I’d just done. Despite my enjoying the amazing wonders of giving myself such incredibly beautiful and intense pleasure. And then feeling so guilty about what I’d just done and thinking afterwards, “gosh I’m never doing THAT again.” Every time I did it. Sometimes even tossing my lube or whatever onto the highest shelf in my closet. So it wasn’t that easy to get to for the next time.
And then a day or so or maybe even a short time later having the urge to do IT again. Eventually, maybe I was in my 30’s or 40’s when I decided – Who cares! It’s just sex. At 67 I’m still an avid bator. Now I only get the guiltys a little bit, sometimes after I’ve skyped off with someone.
I still feel some shame about masturbating, and at times it still stops me enjoying what the wonderful organ between my legs can do. I over think it, I worry about it. There is still sometimes that critical voice in the back of my mind saying what if you get caught, what if someone finds out? But I still hate and I still love doing it.
It’s so sad to realize that many of us go thru this. And it is so completely unnecessary.
It took years and years for me to rid myself of the post-ejaculation guilt. I’m not even sure where it came from. Perhaps from thinking I was diseased when it first happened? Perhaps for having more thoughts about men than women when I was masturbating at a young age. Who knows.
I can recognize the shame immediately with some guys. They’re the “cum and goes”. Although I don’t judge, I really don’t enjoy my time with these guys, knowing they have no capacity to bask in the warm after-glow of an ejaculation with another man (person).
It’s almost as if there needs to be a targeted therapy program for guys to get past it way quicker than organically over a lifetime. This highlights the utter failure of society to acknowledge men’s needs and in particular their sexual (masturbatory) needs and prefers to let us just flap in the breeze, “man-up” and “figure it out on your own”. What bullshit.