QUESTION:
My best friend since grade school, now in a different college, has a page on an amateur porn site. I just happened to find it, which was a shock! Strange to see him jack off, both hot and a bit confusing. I even stroke to it, but then I feel weird. Should I tell him I’ve seen it? How?
RESPONSE:
What you consider a dilemma tells us a lot about lingering attitudes concerning sexuality and masturbation, both negativity and uncertain beliefs. You know your friend and the personal situation between you far better than I can with your limited information here. It sounds like you still consider him your best friend, though I cannot tell how much you communicate now. In our smart phone culture, it could be a lot or not much.
You almost seem surprised by the discovery that your good buddy masturbates at all! Surely this cannot truly be a surprise. If you are of college age, you are both in the peak years of your sexuality. Being in the educational process, you are probably well aware of the realities of human nature.
Clearly, you have not masturbated with him in the past, because you say it is “strange” to see him doing it. Also, you may be somewhat startled and shocked simply because, in a way, even an amateur porn site is—these days—quite a public arena for such behavior. This is not to say that masturbation ought to be hidden. Attitudes often remain inhibited around this intimate, personal activity, which helps to explain how you feel about it.
Your conflicting reactions can tell you plenty about yourself, but not so much about him. Your bestie probably has some tendencies towards exhibitionism, even if you did not encounter this when you were around him more often. Plus, such tendencies can come to the fore later, when they do not seem present, especially after some catalytic experience.
If your friend is living away from his parents, guardians, or family for the first time, he may be exploring different behavioral “lagoons” than he felt free to do when you saw him more often.
Again, I can only speculate, and you may be able to use something I have said in connection with further details that you know about. Telling him could “feel weird” for him and be a bit of a shock to him, even if you have communicated honestly about sexuality before. Consider: talking about something is different from being seen doing it. Test the waters first before taking a seriously direct approach.
It would help, I’m sure, to try to imagine yourself in his place. That could help you figure out how to proceed. There may not be any real point in telling him at this point. A better time may present itself, where it will feel easier and safer to talk about.
Seems to me that since your friend has put himself out there, exposing himself on a site then it is totally appropriate for you to comment, commend, congratulate and express your admiration.
Clearly he’s aware of the risk of being seen by people he knows. You could be like, “Dude, so I was on _____ site the other day. Anything you wanna tell me? Lol” or “Hey, stumbled onto your spicy account the other day. Good for you!” or “I saw this guy jerking off online the other day who looked just like you 😀”
That’s a great way to approach it. I would add something like: “I saw this hot guy who looks a lot like you…” and give him a opening to see where it goes.
An approach I’ve used with friends in general to test out the waters and see if they’d masturbate with me is to bring up watching porn together and see if he’s open to it. That would certainly open the conversation. Having drinks (or cannabis as appropriate) can help as a social lubricant and relaxer. Nearly all guys watch porn and masturbate so he shouldn’t be surprised that you mention it. The worst I’ve gotten was a no. In your case, your a porn watcher and he’s an amateur porn model so you have much more in common than you knew and you were already best friends. I frankly think it’s awesome. Keep us posted!