“It never helps to compare yourself with others, especially in the department of appearance […] This is an extremely common trap the ego falls into.”
QUESTION:
Sites like Facebook, gay men’s pages, and a lot of online porn vids seem to cause me body shame. I’m a bit chubby and a “cub,” you know? Seems I can never measure up. How can I improve my body image?
RESPONSE:
First, stop looking at such images so much. It never helps to compare yourself with others, especially in the department of appearance, looks, body type, and self-image. This is an extremely common trap the ego falls into, and one reason that celebrity-culture, online photo groups, and porn can be so hard on the self-esteem of many men.
Very few men look like those mainstream notions of “what is attractive.” This is a good reason to relate to a range of more ordinary people, not only for their self-acceptance, but to appreciate their variety. Beyond the surface, most people have all sorts of qualities, experiences, and personal history worth exploring. If you try to get beyond appearances alone, you may discover all sorts of dimensions of other people that are worthy of your attention.
When you meet men online or in person, ask them about themselves. Become an active listener! The more you do this, the more you realize that appearances are not so important, and can even be superficial. Something many people need is to be listened to. When you do this for others, they may respond in kind.
Work on your self-image as a key. I often recommend the “love yourself” exercise of engaging your own eyes in a mirror with a direct stare, without glancing away. Tell yourself, by name, “___, I love you, I really, really love you! ___, I do love you!” Keep repeating this aloud. Address yourself by name. It can be a struggle for a lot of guys at first, but eventually, it becomes increasingly true!
The better you can accept and appreciate yourself as you are, the more you may be able to extend the same acceptance and appreciation to others with greater generosity. Self-confidence ironically also makes it easier to make some of the changes you wish to see in yourself. Part of the challenge, of course, is to recognize what can effectively be improved upon, and what may be innate and more difficult to change.
Self-confidence ironically also makes it easier to make some of the changes you wish to see in yourself.
What I do know from my own experience is that the more fully you accept yourself as you are, the more you are accepted by others. Others will be more likely to appreciate you as you are, not as you might wish to present yourself.
Some courage may be required at first, to stand up to common formulas of attractiveness, but the rewards for you are well worth the effort. Those who matter most will appreciate you as you are.
A note from The Batemaster: I’m honored that the guys at Bateworld have asked me to respond to some questions from male masturbators around the world every week.
Always check with your doctor about any issues you might be experiencing with your sexual organs. Prompt diagnosis and treatment are important. This article’s purpose is to inform and entertain readers and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment.
