And now my roommate thinks I’m disgusting!
QUESTION:
My roomie didn’t knock on my door, and I was caught stroking to porn. “That’s disgusting!” he shouted and slammed the door. Now he hardly talks to me; he only gives hostile, one-word answers. He denies he ever does it himself, and he’s quite religious. We used to be great friends. How do I undo the damage?
RESPONSE:
I’m not sure whether you can undo the damage in this case. If not, however, it tells you more about how seriously conditioned your friend is against sexuality and masturbation, than anything else. You certainly did not do anything wrong. You were not to “blame” for what happened. Look out for any traces of guilt or shame that you might feel about the incident, okay?
Clearly, in your own living space, even when it is shared with someone or a group of others, if you have closed your door, the very least someone needs to do is knock. They should ask loud enough for you to hear in your room if it is okay to open the door. In such living spaces, a closed door is a signal that you want privacy and may prefer not to be disturbed.
Some human realities are worth keeping in mind in case you can have a calm and not-too-emotional conversation with your roommate about that episode. For one thing, he most likely masturbates, as most men do, though he may feel quite a lot of guilt and shame, which causes him to be unable to truly enjoy the practice. This is due to his own conditioning: a mix of personal history and beliefs that he has accepted, probably starting at a very young age.
Also, the surprise of observing you in the self-pleasuring process may have triggered feelings and awareness within himself. Possibly this even includes some same-sex attraction, regardless of how he identifies his sexuality internally and with other people. This part of it is not something you should allude to if you are able to discuss the matter; only it may help you yourself understand better.
Though you did nothing wrong, an apology for startling and shocking him might be a way to break the ice. Beyond that, the factual realities are that masturbation is normal, healthy, and natural human behavior. Avoid, at least initially, any suggestion that he likely masturbates too. Despite this being true, leave it to him to share, if he ever does.
You might approach the conversation on broader terms at the start. Say you feel bad about any alienation between you and that you would like to “mend the fence,” if that is possible. Do not mention anything about his religion!
My best wishes for a decent outcome, and if you cannot repair the situation, maybe you will just have to chalk it up to experience. With him and anyone else in your living space, make it clear that everyone should always knock on a closed door and await permission to open it.
A note from The Batemaster: I’m honored that the guys at BateWorld have asked me to respond to some questions from male masturbators around the world every week.
Always check with your doctor about any issues you might be experiencing with your sexual organs. Prompt diagnosis and treatment are important. This article’s purpose is to inform and entertain readers and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment.
If he had caught you urinating on his personal effects, the anger would be understandable, but since you don’t deserve the treatment you’re getting, if the efforts at rapprochement fail, you may want to consider other residential arrangements.
A difficult question to answer when so much context is not available. Sexual orientation is a key indicator for both you and your friend/roommate. Just because someone is religious dose not mean they aren’t gay. If they are, that does not mean that they are ok with masturbation. No insight as to if he saw your fuel for masturbation. If he saw another erection visible and he is not gay then that is another issue. An apology is not something you owe since your space was breached not his. It is a way to smooth things over. Bruce is correct in that it is certainly a way to address any strain in your friendship, if he is willing to talk. On the other hand bringing it back up might continue to prolong his memory of catching you. You may want to invest in a barrel bolt lock for the inside of your door. A tough break, but if you were true friends give him some time to process the shock. You’ll know when he is ready or not the telltale signs should be obvious to you.
Seems like common sense that a knock wouldn’t be unreasonable for an adult to expect – it wasn’t like you were in a common area (not that there would have been anything wrong with that IMO). While I haven’t had roommates for awhile, I was “caught” a couple times over the years, and it wasn’t a big deal as my roommates (both men and women) weren’t prudish or surprised. I did keep lube and sometimes JO magazines (dating myself here) on my nightstand, which made it clear that I was a regular masturbator. Bottom line, is you need the space to be able to engage in masturbation. If it’s not working with this person, you need to look at getting a new roommate.
This may be showing my age a bit, but a common practice amongst roommates used to be placing a sock or a tie or something on the doorknob to indicate someone was having sexy time on the other side of the door (very common in dorm room situations). You might tell your roommate that you honor the fact that they don’t want to see you naked, which is understandable, and you will be sure to take a step like this to avoid a similar awkward interaction in the future.
I would say sometimes when you’re younger its not always easy to decide when someone is not good for you. Your friend, regardless of his own attitudes to masturbation, should not attempt project them onto you or shame you. His ongoing behavior is also not acceptable and sounds very passive aggressive. In short I’d say he doesn’t sound like a good friend to me and maybe it might be time to ‘grow apart’.
Your roomie is an absolute loser. Didn’t knock, interrupted your bate and insulted you and your Penis love. You need to tell him how completely unacceptable his behaviour is and how he needs help to deal with his self loathing and shame. Make it clear that he should keep his controlling views to himself while he works on his issues and meanwhile the Brotherhood of 99% of men who masturbate regularly will continue do so joyfully.
I have to agree, your private space was invaded uninvited. I personally would have locked the door but that is beside the point. It is common courtesy to knock before entering. Since he entered your space without asking he should have just said “sorry” and shut it back with no judgment. If you want to masturbate that is your business and none of his if he doesn’t like it. Also at his age I find it hard to believe he does not relieve himself when those urges happen. Religious or not you still get them and unless he likes nocturnal emissions the sperm will eventually come out. He says he doesn’t do it but I would be willing to bet he does. Maybe he did not like the way you chose to do it with porn. But again that is none of his business.
I’d keep stroking and repeat!
Agreed!!
I think your roommate was never taught boundaries or privacy. I agree with the other comments a closed door should be respected and a knock with permission to enter. Let’s face it guys masturbate! It sounds like he has the problem with it.
I was a late night stroker for years, because of the work shift I was on, what I didn’t know is that a neighbor friend of mine had been watching my late night sessions for quite a few months, while I wouldn’t have cared if anyone knew,I knew if anyone was watching media would continue to stroke for them, my friend saw me coming home from a game of rat hockey in the afternoon one day, and said “hi” as always, and then he hemmed and hawed about him seeing my up the night beforehand i said..”you should have knocked”..while he wasn’t embarrassed, I KNEW he probably had seen me stroke, and I wanted to hear him SAY he watched me stroke my cock,I continued to play dumb, and grill him about why he wouldn’t knock on my door….he eventually said “you looked busy”…’Well,what was I doing”?…He did you were watching porn…and I said what else?…And he finally said it….”you were stroking your cock”….And so I asked hime if he liked watching me, and of course he said “YES”…we stroked to porn quite a few times after that, and REALLY got into some hard oral sessions…..
Too bad that went so sour. Could have been just something just between you guys. I had a str8 roomie that was so cool about. He caught me quite a few times. We never spoke of it and it was just something we must have mutually felt was an ok thing to happen when guys share a space. I thought the advice you received was great.
I think you should look for a different roommate.