QUESTION:
Growing up, I always heard that jerking-off was the same as wasting time. Masturbators were losers. Now, I know better. Bators are winners and I love it, but that shadow of doubt is still in there somewhere. How do I get rid of it?
RESPONSE:
My suggestions have changed since I last wrote about this, and I feel two approaches can both help. First, let me discuss where they come from and how we become the victims of such beliefs.
Until recently, “genetic determinism,” meaning the DNA you inherited, was often believed to be the primary source of your sexuality, in terms of orientation, preferences, tendencies. While it is still considered a factor, more recent evidence suggests that early personal history (which may include things you’ll never remember) and conditioning, are extremely important in this matter.
Conditioning basically just means opinions and beliefs that you received from outside of yourself. You learn most of your beliefs from others, who may be parents, caretakers, or contemporaries. These “outside sources” of other people conditioning you, often do not do this at all deliberately. Most often, they are simply passing on beliefs they learned, and often doing so in subtle ways.
Often, you are not merely told certain beliefs, such as “If you are attracted to male bodies, you are gay,” but also given impressions. Nonverbal impressions, or suggestions that teach you things in less obvious ways may still give rise to very definite beliefs. The idea that human males are easily fit into three categories of “straight,” “bisexual” and “gay,” are simplistic beliefs. Most of us are a lot more complex than any one of those categories. But such beliefs can be easily mistaken for facts.
Quite definitely, the mistaken and quite common belief that “masturbation is for losers” or that self-pleasure is a waste of time, or that it is inferior to other forms of erotic pleasure, are simply conditioned beliefs.
Rational understanding may be one step towards ridding yourself of such limitations. I’ve often suggested too, that retraining yourself to more emotionally and physically rewarding forms of self-pleasure, such as Mindful Masturbation, can help you achieve higher state of bliss and more prolonged pleasure, which can help to minimize or even erase acquired negative beliefs around sexuality and masturbation.
Human nature is such that it is easy to mistake beliefs for facts, so thank you for asking about this! Both abundant pleasure you give yourself, and clear logic may combine to help you overcome that shadow of doubt!
A note from The Batemaster: I’m honored that the guys at BateWorld have asked me to respond to some questions from male masturbators around the world every week.
Always check with your doctor about any issues you might be experiencing with your sexual organs. Prompt diagnosis and treatment are important. This article’s purpose is to inform and entertain readers and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment.
It could have been worse. My father seriously and emphatically told me and my brother “if you play with yourself, you will go mad”. I thought about this and come to a realisation he was talking about my favourite activity. But, I thought, I have lots of mates and don’t play by myself and I am not mad. So I went back to pleasing my dick (which by this time must have been wondering if it had done something to offend me).
Turns out, we are the winners. Only men who master mindful masturbation will ever know the incredible waves of immense pleasure. Only these men will know the mental health benefits that come along with knowing yourself on this level. Mindful masturbation makes our minds stronger, makes our hearts kinder, and is more fun than I can begin to express! Winners indeed!
Indeed, if one masturbates well, the rational virtues of masturbation are proven by experience–we find immense pleasure we never imagined possible, and, far from going mad, we are heathier and happier.
We have outside conditioning to overcome from family and society, of course. The masturbation “loser” mentality can be supported by the disappointment that comes with quickie jerk-offs. I remember the exciting anticipation had when I knew I could sneak away and masturbate, and then the let down when, five minutes later, it was done.
One weekend alone in college I masturbated non-stop, edging most of the way, without knowing what “edging” was. That was life-changing for my sexuality as a masturbator. The second was entering chat rooms and then masturbating with others. Not only do we give permission to explore pleasure together, we support each other in extending that pleasure beyond our dreams, and of sharing our sexual arousal with another who understands.