“…remember that the actual pleasure you feel is going on in your brain, though it seems to happen between your legs.”
QUESTION: My problem is the opposite of yours, Bruce, when you say you had to train yourself not to come too easily. Though I totally enjoy masturbation, it isn’t easy to come. Sometimes my bate buds get impatient, I can tell. They focus a lot on cumming. I used to pump a lot, and wonder if I’m de-sensitized? How can I reach climax faster?
RESPONSE: What you describe does not really need to be a problem, unless you allow it to be one. Yes, certain habits of the past such as a lot of pumping might affect the sensitivity of your penis, and to some extent could diminish your pleasure. Still, remember that the actual pleasure you feel is going on in your brain, though it seems to happen between your legs.
Physical de-sensitizing of your penis can have a number of contributing causes, and it’s also possible to become psychologically a bit jaded. If you have a great deal of sexual experience in your history—that may act either way, to help you maintain your interest in erotic pleasure, or it can shift your focus away from such enjoyment. Everyone is individual and there is no right or wrong amount of interest in erotic pleasure, or any standard schedule of timing for how long you must be stimulated to achieve orgasm.
Consider that orgasm is not just a single consistent phenomenon, either, and men can learn to separate orgasm from ejaculation, so it is possible to ejaculate (sometimes!) without a full orgasmic experience, and it is also possible to experience “dry orgasms” without ejaculation, and without losing your erection. Then you may continue to enjoy more pleasure, or even to enter prolonged states of continuous orgasm, which is something I frequently enjoy more than words can say.
Something else to keep in mind is that it is literally in your mind, to a large extent. Try not to focus on what you don’t want, focus on what you want. For example, you don’t want difficulty getting there, so focus on the fact that you can get there and how great it is when you do. Also focus on full enjoyment of every stroke, tickle and tug of the journey, along the way.
You might want to mention the sensitivity matter to a doctor, if you have a doctor you can talk about sexual matters with. Keep in mind though, that most M.D.s are far from being experts in sex. You may be able to come to terms with this yourself, through acceptance, through effort to relax and allow your arousal to build at its own pace. Even consider seeking out a good massage therapist, an erotic massage practitioner, or even someone with some sexological certification. To encourage you is their job! There may also be some psychological issue.
To enjoy the journey along the way is always a great idea, but not a complete solution to such a challenge. Openly tell your bate buddies about the issue, if you have not done so already. It’s possible that adding a little bit of anal play, or some nipple clamps, other variations might help. Try not to focus on how long it takes, or any goal except your enjoyment.
A note from The Batemaster: I’m honored that the guys at Bateworld have asked me to respond to some questions from male masturbators around the world every week.
Always check with your doctor about any issues you might be experiencing with your sexual organs. Prompt diagnosis and treatment are important. This article’s purpose is to inform and entertain readers and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment.
I’m 75 and I’m having less and less frequent orgasms. Is there anyway to increase the frequency of them? I have no problem getting hard, but I can bate for long periods with no results. It does feel great while bating, but I have always enjoyed the grand finale, which I’m not getting that often.
Thanks
Larry
San Francisco
Larry, perhaps you just need to change things up a bit. Slip on a condom for a bate which give your cock a new look plus some amazing new sensations for you to enjoy as you work it up/down your erection. And that will likely help reach your orgasmic goal(s). Some companys like Trojan will even send a free sample condom, visit their website for details.
Record your audio when you bate. sometimes just listening to the sounds of a bate will set things off. Or listen to an audio site like soundcloud for inspirational sounds. Another option would be find someone on bw to skype off with, sharing the sights & sounds of a bate will work wonders for helping you finish and get your orgasm.
Dear Brother Larry: Something you did not mention is whether or not you look at a lot of Internet porn while you masturbate. Much as I occasionally enjoy a bit of specific porn, I know, as scientific studies have revealed, that a lot of reliance on online porn can actually de-sensitize the brain centers involved in processing pleasure. If you do look at poprn a lot, try breaking away from it. As we age, often our libido goes down somewhat, and careful use of testosterone supplements, and regular exercise may help. Massaging your balls frequently is also good for your testosterone levels. Good luck on this process, and keep us informed. – BPG
Some great reminders & tips about masturbation as we explore our sexual journey. And yes the brain’s our biggest sex organ. And to learn to enjoy every stroke and tug we can give ourselves either alone or partnered. Explore those nipples and other areas of pleasure.
I’ve had sessions like that too, where I’ve really wondered when or if I was ever going to “get there” and it just seemed like such a struggle to orgasm. And then finally finding my “trigger” and reaching an orgasm. Whew…
Yes, the brain is the most crucial sex organ, as you can have an orgasm purely from highly erotic mental stimulation, without any genital activity. The flip-side of this is that you may become somewhat “disembodied,” just as an obsessive focus on Internet porn can take you somewhat out-of-body and into exclusively penis and head territory. Without actual participation of the genitals and indeed, the entire body, you miss opportunities for levels of bliss otherwise unobtainable. – BPG
I can relate to the question but not to seeing it as a problem. It sometimes takes me a while to cum when I bate with a buddy, and I often don’t cum at all (at least not during the first round 😉 ) But I don’t consider this a flaw but a virtue. True, some of my bate buddies may get tired after a while, both physically (they should exercise their arms more 😉 ) and because they want to see their buddy ejaculate. But so far I have been very lucky that it never became an ‘issue’. In fact we often joke about it to the point that making me cum is seen as a coveted reward to brag about to your partner (not joking; happened with a befriended couple 😉 ) I personally don’t mind not ejaculating since I get more than my fair share of pleasure, often in the form of repeated dry orgasms. And as much as I want to please my masturbation partner, why should I feel ‘guilty’ if a series of blissful experiences doesn’t end? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy either way, i.e. having a prolonged but dry bate session or ending it with a blast after the ‘usual time’. I simply don’t think about it and take things as they (do not) come. So I would say if your bate buddies are repeatedly annoyed by the fact that you enjoy the bate without ‘delivering’, maybe you have to find a mate in bate who appreciates an extended wanking session with you and who is happy with whatever finale you can or have to offer.
Thanks so much gh for your comments! You have a very sensible attitude, about not so much focus on ejaculation, rather enjoying the huge amounts of pleasure you can experience along the way. It’s easy for men to get rather fixated upon ejaculation–something I personally most often choose not to do because I so much enjoy dry orgasms, multiple dry orgasms, prolonged orgasmic states, any and all of which may be ended or interrupted by ejaculatory orgasm. For me, ejaculation is an option I often bypass in favor of increased and more intense pure penis pleasure. — BPG
Thank you Bruce for all of the information you provide here.
I think there are a few things missing here in the response.
Physically speaking sometimes reactions like this are also caused by conditions (being overweight, consuming too much alcohol, etc etc)
I went through a period of time when I was drinking too much. It killed my libido and messed with my testosterone levels even when I wasn’t drinking. And it also killed my ability to cum even when alone in front of porn.
Also physically, and I know this may sound controversial to some, but I have been restoring my foreskin now for 2 years. My physical sensation is WAY stronger. I do feel that as I have gotten older (mid-40s now), the fact of being circumcised has diminished sensation- for me at least.
Psychologically, when bating with another guy I (still) get anxious when he cums and I don’t. Then I feel like I’m holding him up and it’s a downward spiral. I don’t really know how to get out of that cycle…
Anyway, my two cents.
Brother… thanks so much for your comments. I’ve shared that this particular issue is something I can identify with less, because my lifelong challenge has been not to ejaculate before I’m ready to. In earlier years, I was overly sensitive and cam so easily, that when I discovered what I now call “Mindful Masturbation” starting in 1995, it was a breakthrough for me to be able to prolong my high erotic states indefinitely! You make good points, about being overweight and alcohol as factors in this. You also make a good point about how you feel when a guy ejaculates and you’re not really close to that. A really generous, thoughtful masturbation buddy goes out of his way to put you at ease with either extreme–if you come sooner than you wish, or if it’s not easy for you to come. It’s nice to say, “It’s all good, so long as you enjoy yourself! I’m having fun whether I come or not!” One way to get off that cycle may be to communicate early in the process and just tell your. buddy that you may or may not ejaculate and that’s fine with you. Remember, one of the virtues of masturbating with other guys is it never needs to be a competition. It’s sharing and mutual support to encourage increased pleasure for all involved! — BPG
I don’t think I have ever had a dry orgasm, I remember when I was younger I would get close and stop jackin and my dick would, what I called,” knok,” like it would jerk a couple of times like I was cuming but nothing came out. Maybe that was a dry orgasm? Because when I stop jerkin and it knoks to many times I start ejackulating cum.
Before puberty, many of us as boys can recall having intense orgasms without ejaculation, and often without losing our erection, then it is possible to continue with more pleasure to further orgasm(s). Adult men can learn to separate orgasm from ejaculation, something I do every day, and also have orgasms without ejaculating or losing erection. It’s a special practice that doesn’t work the same for every man, but my feeling is that most men can achieve some form of this in their own way. — BPG
Thank you Bruce for your kind and well-articulated response.
25 years ago I also had a similar challenge…I came too quickly. But neither of us is 15/20/25/30 any longer.
I appreciate that you mindfully masturbate, as do I. Though it only happened over the past 10!
But I am sure that you must still encounter men who are not so present or mindful.
“It’s all good, etc” I agree definitely lowers the pressure level. I thoroughly enjoy helping my buddy enjoy his bate but what I find a lot of times is that it isn’t reciprocal… a lot of guys just want to get off and they are done when they get off. So, when the other guy is just into his own pleasure?
Thoughts in this context?
Thanks!!
Good topic, Brother. When I coined the term “Mindful Masturbation” about 20 years ago, I had no idea it would come into fairly common usage, at least in this fairly exclusive realm of serious and dedicated male masturbators. It’s not an absolute formula or dogma, rather just the basic attitude of paying full attention to what you are actually feeling and doing, to your own body and/or those of the guys you may also be masturbating with. This is still somewhat pioneering territory… though the tendency seems to be growing quite rapidly now, for guys to be interested in getting more than just their rocks off! Nothing wrong with that, of course, but that’s basically as old as the hills and I’m intrigued with online male masturbation as a cutting edge social movement, a kind of evolutionary up-curve (pun intended) with the potential to do its minuscule part in benefitting humanity and the planet. I tend to try to meet men where they are, not expect them to conform to my latest view of things. At the same time, I’m always making new discoveries… so while I try not to force anything on anyone, as in my coaching, I just encourage guys to try various options. There is always the possibility that your penis may unexpectedly open the doors of perception for you and open up an undiscovered country of pure penis pleasure as never before for you!
Thanks Bruce.
So how does one address that in the moment?
I am a total masturbator, so cuming is not an issue for me. A regular day fo me is ; wake up at 600 have breakfirst , from 0700 to 0800 edge then it’s up to the gym 4 tms a week. Back home to edge all day if I don’t have anything to do around the house.
I prefer to have dry orgasms it keeps me HORNY all the time , and gives me more enegy for the gym and what ever I have to do during the day..and you don’t have that down feeling you get after ejaculating..
I like to take my time and enjoy the pleasure my phallus is giving me.Surfing the edge can bring so many pleasures then just going for the actual ejac.
There are days when I feel like being in a continous orgasm and these are days that realiy look forward to days that I know I’m in total connection with my phallus days when I let him take control.