Ask The Batemaster: Help! I Keep Coming Prematurely

This is not a matter of control; it is a matter of self-awareness and making ejaculation a choice.

QUESTION: I’m home from college social distancing, but my family respects my privacy. A guy asked you a while back about coming too quickly during mutual—but I have that problem with camming. Once a guy and I are erect and stroking, I find it really hard not to shoot almost right away! So disappointing and embarrassing! HELP!

RESPONSE: Your challenge is not so uncommon. In fact, it may be easier to overcome than guys whose penis is desensitized, or they just have trouble reaching climax at all. This is sort of a perennial subject. Learn to deeply relax, both physically and mentally, before you get online. Don’t start camming until you’ve given yourself at least a few minutes, or even 5 or 10 minutes, to breathe deeply and clear your mind of stimulating erotic images. 

Think about sunlight on the rippling water of a lake, or the rushing sound of wind in the leaves of tall trees. Even look at images of such things, and listen to sounds that are not overtly sexual… 

It’s true that to ejaculate rather quickly with a camming buddy may disappoint him, though some guys still seem to think the faster the better. To me, this sadly misses the entire point of our erotic journey, rushing through the exquisite sensations to get to the goal. But more than judging yourself in the eyes of your online masturbation buddies, you profoundly owe it to yourself to learn, relax, and prolong your enjoyment. You are the only one who can do this for you, just as you can never really control anyone else.

This is not a matter of control; it is a matter of self-awareness and making ejaculation a choice. When guys get interested in “edging” and start to practice edging, most fellows learn how incredibly valuable the skill is: it’s an effort that keeps on giving! Once you learn this better and better, you may never settle for shorter sessions again!

What you experience here has two major components: 1.) Clearly your penis is quite sensitive and probably needs a lot more training to sustain stimulation. College-aged, is usually not far beyond your teens; 2.) Your mental excitation is overcoming your wish to prolong the pleasure, and to prolong the enjoyment of masturbating with your camming buddies.

Think of your level of arousal as a fountain, a water feature in a garden pond. Imagine you have a round control handle that you can turn to adjust the level of the fountain, how high the water lifts.  Start with the kind of deep abdominal breathing I always suggest you begin a Mindful Masturbation session with, and merge this with mentally paying attention to your arousal level. Notice how high the fountain water rises. If necessary, slow down your stroking, or even stop.

You may find it helpful to practice both the breathing and monitoring mental arousal while looking at porn, as a kind of practice for live sessions. When you can sustain your stroking for a longer time, turn off the porn and contact a buddy. But never feel like a failure if you shoot soon with him—just tell him he’s so hot you couldn’t hold back. Tell him you’d like to try again soon. 

Relax into it and savor each moment of the journey!

A note from The Batemaster: I’m honored that the guys at Bateworld have asked me to respond to some questions from male masturbators around the world every week.

Always check with your doctor about any issues you might be experiencing with your sexual organs. Prompt diagnosis and treatment are important. This article’s purpose is to inform and entertain readers and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment.