Ask Dr. Bate: Male Bonding and Fantasy

Male Bonding

Question

How do we define “male bonding” and what does it involve? Devotion? Deep friendship? Understanding each other? Contact? How close two men can come together and where is the line between friendship and sex? Can masturbation be considered male bonding?

Thank you! Lowerhold

Answer:

Hello Lowerhold.
Thank you for your intriguing question about “male bonding.” This is a huge question that does not have a very simple, concrete answer. There are many different definitions and connotations to what constitutes male bonding. Basically it is open to interpretation by whoever is choosing to define it.

For example, in the U.S., two men walking down the street holding hands is considered “gay,” so you wouldn’t see two straight guys holding hands, but straight women are allowed to bond tactilely. However in some African cultures, male friends hold hands and it is not considered “gay’ at all, but rather ‘male bonding.’

In its most basic definition, male bonding is two or more men connecting with each other. Different groups of men define what are acceptable ways to bond inside their group. For instance, I grew up around a lot of men who subscribed to the ‘audible hug.’ The audible hug being when two guys need to assure each other of their straightness, the hug is that of a series of loud slaps on their buddy’s back.

Male bonding has a very wide range and spectrum as to what it can include, from very platonic, to very sexual. Some examples of the more platonic nature can be playing a game together, watching a sports game, having a beer, listening to music, etc. Basically, sharing an experience that is about friendship without sexual energy. On the other side of the spectrum, male bonding can take on a very sexual nature, including solo masturbating together, even including penetration.

Male bonding can be rather superficial or it can be deeply profound. Two guys sharing a joke, like the same sports team, or discover they share the same favorite song from back-in-the-day, etc., is a moment of connection, however small it may be. Two guys fighting side by side on the battlefield, a friend taking care of his friend who is dying of cancer, and becoming a father are deeply profound experiences of male bonding.

There is a fine line between friendship and sex…and sometimes there is a really fat line…and sometimes those lines cross…and all of it is okay.

There are also different qualities of male bonding. There can be emotional bonding, which typically men are taught to not talk about their feelings, something left for women to deal with. There can also be physical connection in male bonding, such as an ass slap after a good play, or wrestling each other, etc. There can be emotional bonding. There can be bonding through physical touch. Male bonding can also exist when emotional connection and physical touch are happening at the same time.

So, my friend, I am very glad that you asked this question. There is no way to know exactly what it is that the men that you wish to bond with will consider appropriate or permissible other than asking them.

With that, I would encourage you to continue asking other men what they consider male bonding to be and what ways they would like to connect with you! Also, I would like to open it up to our Bate Brothers to share what male bonding consists of for them and how they would like to bond with other males.

In Love, Light & A whole lot of male bonding,
Toby
[av_hr class=’short’ height=’50’ shadow=’no-shadow’ position=’center’ custom_border=’av-border-thin’ custom_width=’50px’ custom_border_color=” custom_margin_top=’30px’ custom_margin_bottom=’30px’ icon_select=’yes’ custom_icon_color=” icon=’ue808′ font=’entypo-fontello’ av_uid=’av-4c8zub’]

Is Your Fantasy a Detriment?

Question:

Hi Dr. Bate,

I have a question I can’t seem to figure out; Why is it that whenever I’m jacking off bonding with a bro online or even bating on my own I can cum pretty quickly if I don’t hold off for a while, but then when I’m with my partner no matter how turned on I am it takes me quite a bit of time to cum. It’s gotten to the point where he almost gets bored before I finish. What should I do?
-CollegeShowoff

Answer:

Thanks for your question CollegeShowoff!

They say that familiarity breeds contempt. And although contempt and disrespect is surely NOT what feel for your partner, this statement nonetheless serves to underscore the often unexpected outcome of knowing someone very, very well.

If I had to guess, the fantasy of being with someone that you don’t know very well – someone who you essentially can be anything and anyone with is often far more appealing to you than the vulnerability you have with your partner, someone who knows many of your faults, triumphs, and idiosyncrasies. I have found that in the company of strangers, it is easier to enter into fantasy than it would be with someone who you know extremely well. However, as you are finding, being overly hooked to the fantasy and thrill of anonymity has its drawbacks. Fantasy exists in the realm of imagination and make-believe. Reality shatters that notion.

If I had to guess, it is this reason you are able to cum readily with your online bros and yet find it difficult to do so with your partner. Not knowing your situation with your partner well enough, I can only offer some suggestions:

1. Communicate: talk to your partner about the situation and share with him how you feel about not being able to ejaculate readily with him. Remember that sex, unless it’s pornography, should never be an act or a performance. Talk with him about the pressure you feel and find ways to alleviate that.
2. Examine your thoughts: often when we are with our partners our minds tend to check out to some other scene. Essentially our bodies are in the room but our minds and our energy is someone else entirely. Is there a way you can bring both your mind and body into the same room? And if not, is there a fantasy that you can mutually share?
3. Dig deeper: take some time to be curious and honest with yourself. What are the elements that you have (or don’t have) with your online bros that you don’t have (or do) with your partner? Be honest and curious here. I think you might find some valuable information that you can either apply or detach to your play with partner.

I hope this helps! Good luck!
Garland J.

[av_hr class=’short’ height=’50’ shadow=’no-shadow’ position=’center’ custom_border=’av-border-thin’ custom_width=’50px’ custom_border_color=” custom_margin_top=’30px’ custom_margin_bottom=’30px’ icon_select=’yes’ custom_icon_color=” icon=’ue808′ font=’entypo-fontello’ av_uid=’av-1zsveb’]

Garland Jarmon heralds from 7 years as an HIV/AIDS educator and sexual health counselor for individuals and couples. Having a Masters in Social Work and now as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he seeks to help all those in the LGBTQIA, straight, and Bator community live a more wholesome and embodied life, full of mindfulness and conscious exploration.

Toby de Luca comes from a background in Education and Massage Therapy. With a Masters in Teaching and also as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he to assist folks in facilitating stronger, healthier relationships with their own bodies and their relationships with others.

Together they co-own their own Sex and Erotic Coaching business — Spiritual Eros (www.SpiritualEros.com). They desire to bring to the BateWorld Community an opportunity to have an open and honest discussion about issues that many of us face. They believe that everything is an experiment and that the only failed experiment is one you don’t collect the data from. They also understand that because their answers may not fit every lived experience, they welcome community members to offer their experiences, challenges, and triumphs. They are proponents that healthy community creates healthier lives… and healthy lives, healthier communities!

Garland and Toby are Sexologists and as such are NOT medical doctors or therapists. The opinions, suggestions, and advice given are not meant to be in lieu of your primary care physician’s medical advice. If you are concerned about a medical condition or have a medical emergency, PLEASE contact your doctor, urgent care, or emergency room!

Brothers, we encourage you to exercise your best and highest wisdom and intuition!

If you’d like to submit questions, please email them to [email protected].