Ask Dr. Bate: Bating Together And Bate Party Virgins

ANSWER:

Dear Perplexed,

Thanks for your question. As I’ve stated in other installments of this column, it is good to approach our sex lives and sexual habits with inquiry and curiosity. Everything is an experiment and the only failed experiment is one where the data and information is not gathered. You have a great opportunity to do some experimenting of your own.

If you are willing, I think asking yourself a few questions might open the door to further exploration:

1. Why does my erection wane when I try to bate with men who have become friends?
2. What is it about anonymity (“headless cocks”) that turns me on?
3. Do “headless cocks” fulfill a deeper fantasy I have that friends do not?
4. If so, what is it about friends and deeper connections that taint fantasies for me?
5. Why do I feel that friends should not be bate partners?
6. Also ask whether or not the shame arises with friends because you are emotionally committed to another partner?

Experiment!

Only you can truly answer the questions above. For each individual there’s a potentially different answer. But here is an experiment that you might want to try on for size.

Find a friend that you know is into bating and have a conversation with them about your inability staying hard with friends. Start off bating together and see at what point your erection starts to wane. At this point it’s a good idea to ask your friend for a pause so you can go inside and inquire why your erection is waning. Be honest with yourself about what comes up. See if there are different things you or your friend could do to bring more excitement into the play. This takes a certain level of patience and vulnerability but could be paramount to you understanding your inner sexual landscape.

You also might want to talk to your friend about your fantasies and see if there is room to incorporate those into your bate session. And then again, go inside and see what’s working and what’s not and inquire why. Sometimes the answer could be very subtle. And while you are bating with your friend, inquire how it feels to be bating with someone you have some connection with. What’s coming up for you?

All in all, it is my belief that the shame and/or guilt you feel from bating with friends could be easily addressed by simple experimentation and inquiry.

Keep me posted, I’d love to hear about your findings.

In Pleasure,
Garland Jarmon.

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Bate Party Virgin

Question:

I love to bate but never participated in a group bate session or a bate group. I hear that there are bate parties. I’d like to know if you have any suggestions for a first time partygoer…

Dwayne

Answer:

Hello, Dwayne. As a fellow bate brother, I appreciate your question. I too was an avid bater that had not experienced a bate group until a few years ago. Here in Seattle, we have a great jack off club called Rain City Jack (RCJ). I remember being scared and nervous the first time I went, but my fear easily melted because of the new member orientation, which explained all the rules and the bracelet system. Each color bracelet signified a different level of consent; don’t touch, ask first, please touch. There was also a rule of “no lips below the hips,” meaning that oral sex is not part of the group bate experience. I felt more relaxed after the orientation and was excited to see a room full of guys bating and enjoying their cocks together. It was freeing and very hot.

So, bate brother, do some research and see if there is a jack off club in your city. I invite you to step out on your curiosity and see what is out there. Something that may be helpful for you for your first time is to just watch and observe what is happening and get a feel for it until you feel ready to participate. Also, taking a friend can be a great way to process what feelings you are going through and talk about your experience before and after.

Bate groups are a great way to explore your voyeurism, your exhibitionism, boundaries, negotiated consent, etc.

Have a great time exploring, brother! And I’d love to hear how your experience goes!

Bate on,
Toby

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Garland Jarmon heralds from 7 years as an HIV/AIDS educator and sexual health counselor for individuals and couples. Having a Masters in Social Work and now as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he seeks to help all those in the LGBTQIA, straight, and Bator community live a more wholesome and embodied life, full of mindfulness and conscious exploration.

Toby de Luca comes from a background in Education and Massage Therapy. With a Masters in Teaching and also as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he to assist folks in facilitating stronger, healthier relationships with their own bodies and their relationships with others.

Together they co-own their own Sex and Erotic Coaching business — Spiritual Eros (www.SpiritualEros.com). They desire to bring to the BateWorld Community an opportunity to have open and honest discussion about issues that many of us face. They believe that everything is an experiment and that the only failed experiment is one you don’t collect the data from. They also understand that because their answers may not fit every lived experience, they welcome community members to offer their own experiences, challenges, and triumphs. They are proponents that healthy community creates healthier lives…and healthy lives, healthier communities!

Garland and Toby are Sexologists and as such are NOT medical doctors or therapists. The opinions, suggestions, and advice given are not meant to be in lieu of your primary care physician’s medical advice. If you are concerned about a medical condition or have a medical emergency, PLEASE contact your doctor, urgent care, or emergency room!

Brothers, we encourage you to exercise your best and highest wisdom and intuition!

If you’d like to submit questions, please email them to [email protected].