Ask Dr. Bate

EDITOR’S NOTE: If you have a question for Dr. Bate, we want to hear from you. You can submit your question by scrolling down to the bottom of this page and submitting it on the form that will appear or emailing your questions to [email protected].

QUESTION

Dear Dr. Bate,
I seem to be addicted to bating online with like-minded guys. Is that going to affect my performance in real time sexual encounters?

Thanks in advance for your expert opinion.
Bests,
Nil

Dr. Bate’s Answer:

Hi Nil and thank you for your question. It’s a very important one in light of the technological advances we’ve made in communications during the late 20th/early 21st Centuries.

So let me cut to the chase, meeting someone online is different than meeting someone in person. Period! Anyone that has hooked-up offline for sex, drinks, or otherwise can attest to this. The image we often showcase online is but a shadow snapshot of who we really are. Online profiles fail to truly capture the depth of our personalities, our idiosyncrasies, or our personal nuances.

As a gay man, I have witnessed the evolution of the “hook-up” – from parks and bars to AOL chat rooms to mobile apps. I hear from older gays that the art of “cruising” has all but been lost on the younger generations in lieu of online profiles and mobile dating apps. We are losing the beauty of knowing how to interact with each other face-to-face. How common is it to be in a bar or club and folks are standing around on their mobile dating apps rather than engaging in real-time interpersonal interactions?

If you are not open to people being slightly (in some cases) or grossly (in other cases) different than the person you thought they were online, then you might not have a great experience upon meeting them. Keep an open mind and practice open and honest communication about whether or not, upon meeting them, you still feel inclined to play with them. And remember you can be kind without having to endure an unpleasant situation.

I also read in your question a concern about being able to sexually interact with someone at the same level or higher as you would be able to online. Only you can truly answer this question. Some guys prefer only online interactions. There is a myriad of reasons for this. For some it’s part of the fantasy. They can make up any story they want. This fantasy is often lost upon truly meeting someone. This can cause a diminishing in arousal, erection, and just plain vibe. Others, like yourself, prefer both online and in-person interactions. Again, the same principle applies as before. Be open to things not being they way you expected them to be upon meeting. They might be, or better, or not at all. Be honest about what it is you desire and want from the interaction. And be honest about whether (at ANY point) the interaction is not working for you – is there something you can ask for differently, would they be open to another experiment you would like to try, etc.? Don’t be shy about what you desire. But be kind if what you suggest is not going to work for them or if what they suggest is not going to work for you.

Communicate! Communicate! Communicate!

And lastly, as my teacher always says, “Go for what you want, you’ll get what you need.”

Happy Mutual Bating, Brother!
Garland

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Question:

Hey Dr. Bate! Love the blog. Anyway, my question is around chafing; it sometimes happens when I bate a lot, mainly on the outer edges of my foreskin, and that’s even with lube. What are some ways that you can prevent it from happening, and also promote healing while not having to stop doing what you love to do?

Thanks,
JCrew78
Vancouver BC Canada

Dr. Bate’s Answer:

Thank you for your question JCrew! My assumption is that you are not alone in your concern.

Treat your penis as if he (or she) were your best friend, if it’s not already. Remember to always give it TLC. This means that you care for him as you would any other part of your body. And since you probably use your penis a fair amount more than some other parts of your body, give him extra attention.

Before care is just as important as aftercare!

Dryness and chafing can be caused by a host of different reasons. It could be anything from a constant firm grip to the weather outside. It could be the soap you’re using when you shower to the type of lube you’re applying during your bating sessions. My advice is to experiment with all of these things. If you have a constant firm bating grip (literally “chocking” the chicken), try a lighter approach.

Soaps and lotions are also key! Be very cautious of the soaps you are using. Many soaps will dry out your skin rather than moisturize it. Make sure you check this out! Some lotions may also dry the skin out. Do some experimenting on which ones work best for you. You might want to try moisturizing after a shower with a specific lotion fashioned for keeping moisture in. Make sure you check your labels!

Lube is also very important. There are many types of lubes out there:

• Vaseline – Old fashioned and not everyone’s preference.
• Albolene – Highly popular, but also not everyone’s preference. This also can get very sticky and clammy if mixed with cum after ejaculation.
• Lotion – I don’t recommend this as it has a tendency to dry quickly and requires constant application.
• Silicone lube – These don’t dry as quickly but have a tendency to stain sheets.
• Water-Based lube – There are a variety of these lubes on the market from those that dry quickly and get sticky to others that rival longer lasting lubes. And they don’t stain sheets!
• Hybrids – These lubes are a crossover of silicone and water-based lubes. There are a variety of them on the market as well. Some good, some not so great.
• Vegan – As to not be outdone, those who only like “green” products on and in their bodies have produced a range of natural lubes as well. They range in effectiveness.
• Coconut Oil – My preference! After several years of using Albolene, the head of my penis began having adverse reactions, dryness, and flakiness. Once I switched to coconut oil, those symptoms have vanished. Coconut oil is a natural moisturizer and has a host of health benefits! You can eat it, fuck with it, bate with it, massage with it. It’s just pretty amazing all around.

My advice, brother, is to experiment and find what works best for you! Also, remember to make sure your penis is moisturized after you finish a bate session. A moist penis is a happy penis!

Happy Healthy Bating, JCrew!
Garland

*Hey brothers, what kinds of lubes have worked for you? What hasn’t worked? And what do you recommend?

“What you seek is seeking you!” – Rumi

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Garland Jarmon heralds from 7 years as an HIV/AIDS educator and sexual health counselor for individuals and couples. Having a Masters in Social Work and now as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he seeks to help all those in the LGBTQIA, straight, and Bator community live a more wholesome and embodied life, full of mindfulness and conscious exploration.

Toby de Luca comes from a background in Education and Massage Therapy. With a Masters in Teaching and also as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he to assist folks in facilitating stronger, healthier relationships with their own bodies and their relationships with others.

Together they co-own their own Sex and Erotic Coaching business — Spiritual Eros (www.SpiritualEros.com). They desire to bring to the BateWorld Community an opportunity to have open and honest discussion about issues that many of us face. They believe that everything is an experiment and that the only failed experiment is one you don’t collect the data from. They also understand that because their answers may not fit every lived experience, they welcome community members to offer their own experiences, challenges, and triumphs. They are proponents that healthy community creates healthier lives…and healthy lives, healthier communities!

Garland and Toby are Sexologists and as such are NOT medical doctors or therapists. The opinions, suggestions, and advice given are not meant to be in lieu of your primary care physician’s medical advice. If you are concerned about a medical condition or have a medical emergency, PLEASE contact your doctor, urgent care, or emergency room!

Brothers, we encourage you to exercise your best and highest wisdom and intuition!

If you’d like to submit questions, please email them to [email protected].