Ask Dr. Bate

EDITOR’S NOTE: If you have a question for Dr. Bate, we want to hear from you. You can submit your question by scrolling down to the bottom of this page and submitting it on the form that will appear or emailing your questions to [email protected].

QUESTION

Hello. This past year I’ve discovered that my interest in bating has grown to the extent that I would rather masturbate on cam rather than watching porn. I moved from my hometown to another country and it hasn’t been easy adapting socially. I’ve had a couple of wanking meet-ups and still look for them, but none appear to be more than a one time thing.

I think I’m looking for someone to be friends with and to share the interest in wanking, plus any others. I find myself pretty often chatting online to try and find a fellow bater. Could this be more like an obsession? Maybe I should try finding non bating friends instead?


Toby’s Answer:

Thank you very much for your honest and heartfelt question! First, I would like to say that moving, in and of itself, is a BIG deal, let alone moving to another country! Your new found interest in bating may be a necessary “nesting” activity that can serve to ease your transition to living in a new environment. Your wanting to share wanking with others can also serve as a vehicle for social interaction. However, it can also become a barrier from making other connections outside of masturbation. Your desire to find friends that also share an interest in wanking is very valid.

I would like to ask you directly: What do you really want???

If you would like to meet friends that are locals in your new country, that can show you around, etc., then join a group or club that is related to your specific interest and friendships will form naturally. If you want to make bate buddies, online or in-person in your new country, then you can try to put a call out to your bate brothers on BateWworld, or possibly start your own BW group! Be honest and direct with what you want and are looking for.

I would suggest doing BOTH! You do not need to become more socially connected to “non-bators” at the expense of your newfound affinity to bating. Try incorporating all of it!

Best of luck in your new adventures,
Toby

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How do I tell my partner that I bate, and would rather masturbate than have sex, without hurting his feelings? The rest of our relationship is great.

Garland’s Answer:

Thanks for your question.

I agree, this, depending on your partner, can be a very touchy and sensitive topic as sex (intercourse) can be a fundamental part of any healthy sexual relationship. I also assume when you speak of “sex,” you are mostly speaking of oral and/or anal penetration. Some folks would even consider bating as sex, either solo or mutually.

Open and honest communication is one of the keystones to a healthy relationship. So, in your case, I would say, “honesty is the best policy.” Perhaps you should start by expressing how much you enjoy bating and how it has become more sexually satisfying than having one on one intercourse. There really isn’t a sure-fire way of alleviating his feelings, however. He gets to have his feelings in the same way that you get to have your feelings. The key is to try not to alienate him but to finds ways to include him in your sexual exploration.

Talking about how you two are going to be sexual together, if that’s what you two desire, might be very beneficial. Perhaps he would be open to exploring your passion for bating or joining you in your own pleasure and accompanying you with his – masturbating together. This could be a great exploration for both of you, but the only way to find a new and healthy “normal” is to have open and honest communication about where you are, what you want and need, and what he can do to assist you.

I hope this helps brother,
Garland

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Garland Jarmon heralds from 7 years as an HIV/AIDS educator and sexual health counselor for individuals and couples. Having a Masters in Social Work and now as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he seeks to help all those in the LGBTQIA, straight, and Bator community live a more wholesome and embodied life, full of mindfulness and conscious exploration.

Toby de Luca comes from a background in Education and Massage Therapy. With a Masters in Teaching and also as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he to assist folks in facilitating stronger, healthier relationships with their own bodies and their relationships with others.

Together they co-own their own Sex and Erotic Coaching business — Spiritual Eros (www.SpiritualEros.com). They desire to bring to the BateWorld Community an opportunity to have open and honest discussion about issues that many of us face. They believe that everything is an experiment and that the only failed experiment is one you don’t collect the data from. They also understand that because their answers may not fit every lived experience, they welcome community members to offer their own experiences, challenges, and triumphs. They are proponents that healthy community creates healthier lives…and healthy lives, healthier communities!

Garland and Toby are Sexologists and as such are NOT medical doctors or therapists. The opinions, suggestions, and advice given are not meant to be in lieu of your primary care physician’s medical advice. If you are concerned about a medical condition or have a medical emergency, PLEASE contact your doctor, urgent care, or emergency room!

Brothers, we encourage you to exercise your best and highest wisdom and intuition!

If you’d like to submit questions, please email them to [email protected].