Ask Dr. Bate

EDITOR’S NOTE: If you have a question for Dr. Bate, we want to hear from you. You can submit your question by scrolling down to the bottom of this page and submitting it on the form that will appear or emailing your questions to [email protected].

Dear Dr. Bate,

Garland’s Answer:

Hey E, thanks for your question!

I want to assure you that your concern is NOT uncommon, but first I want to state, for the record, that your love for bating is not the issue. I encourage you to enjoy it and nurture the love you have for your penis and your pleasure! Yes, enjoy it!

I’m hearing, however, two concerns:

• You are concerned with not being able to share your love of masturbation and porn with your partner. If this is the case, an easy remedy is to openly share your love of pornography and masturbation with your partner(s). Perhaps they would be open to partake in that with you. Perhaps they might be open to bating you or with you. This way you can enjoy the pleasure of your porn, masturbation, sex, and closeness with your partner.
• You are concerned about not being able to stay present and focused on your partner because you are too distracted by your desire for pornography and bating. If you’re desiring to be more present with your sexual partners it will require you taking the time to nurture and cultivate your interpersonal sex life with your partner(s). Often times, however, spending a considerable amount of time with pornography and masturbation can desensitize you not only to what other kinds of pleasures you can feel, but also to the pleasure of being with another human being.

I recommend taking a break from pornography for a while and find other ways to engage and reacquaint yourself with your sensate body. Finding ways that bring pleasure to your body outside of masturbation and external visual stimuli (porn) can be very informative and educational. Here is a great exercise that you and your partner can do to get you started on the path of reconnecting to your sensate body and with your partner’s body.

The Three-Minute Game!

Rules – Sit with you partner and take turns asking them to do something for your pleasure for three minutes. (“I would like for you to ____ for my pleasure for three minutes.”) The sky’s the limit, but the time limit is three minutes. Each person can negotiate tweaking the requests if they are not open to an element of it.

The receiver’s job is to be fully mindful of the experience, notice if you are checking out, or if you are unable to fully enjoy the experience. After the three minutes are over the next person states their request and becomes the receiver.

After each person has taken 1 round of give and take, allot time for “savoring” (gathering information about the experience: how did you feel, what was enjoyable, what was not enjoyable, what was hard, what was easy, etc.?)

Continue the give and take for as long as you desire, being as conscious and present to the sensations on each turn.

The goal of this exercise is to help you become more conscious of the pleasure you give and receive, your ability to do both, and to help you cultivate more presence with your body and your partner.

I hope this helps!
Garland

[av_hr class=’short’ height=’50’ shadow=’no-shadow’ position=’center’ custom_border=’av-border-thin’ custom_width=’50px’ custom_border_color=” custom_margin_top=’30px’ custom_margin_bottom=’30px’ icon_select=’yes’ custom_icon_color=” icon=’ue808′ font=’entypo-fontello’ av_uid=’av-4fplyy’]

Toby’s Answer:

Hello Smooth Guy,

Your question is a common one. Sometimes we can get into rote habits around our masturbation and thus our body learns to respond accordingly. There are a few different things you can try to lengthen your bate sessions; movement, stroke and breath. For movement, you can try bating in different positions, such as lying down, sitting up, standing, and moving your hips while you bate.

You can also vary your stoke by slowing down your pace and even using your non-dominant hand which allows your cock to experience a different sensation. Using long slow belly breaths to move your erotic energy from your cock to the rest of your body can help aid not only elongated bating sessions, but you will experience sensations throughout your body that will enhance your self-pleasure.

Enjoy the pleasure that your penis gives you and have fun playing with your movement, stroke and breath to increase your bate session lengths slowly over time. And remember…Quality over quantity!

For more tips, check out our blog at: www.spiritualeros.com/blog/reclaimingmasturbation.

In Breath,
Toby

[av_hr class=’short’ height=’50’ shadow=’no-shadow’ position=’center’ custom_border=’av-border-thin’ custom_width=’50px’ custom_border_color=” custom_margin_top=’30px’ custom_margin_bottom=’30px’ icon_select=’yes’ custom_icon_color=” icon=’ue808′ font=’entypo-fontello’ av_uid=’av-30w9hm’]

Garland Jarmon heralds from 7 years as an HIV/AIDS educator and sexual health counselor for individuals and couples. Having a Masters in Social Work and now as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he seeks to help all those in the LGBTQIA, straight, and Bator community live a more wholesome and embodied life, full of mindfulness and conscious exploration.

Toby de Luca comes from a background in Education and Massage Therapy. With a Masters in Teaching and also as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he to assist folks in facilitating stronger, healthier relationships with their own bodies and their relationships with others.

Together they co-own their own Sex and Erotic Coaching business — Spiritual Eros (www.SpiritualEros.com). They desire to bring to the BateWorld Community an opportunity to have open and honest discussion about issues that many of us face. They believe that everything is an experiment and that the only failed experiment is one you don’t collect the data from. They also understand that because their answers may not fit every lived experience, they welcome community members to offer their own experiences, challenges, and triumphs. They are proponents that healthy community creates healthier lives…and healthy lives, healthier communities!

Garland and Toby are Sexologists and as such are NOT medical doctors or therapists. The opinions, suggestions, and advice given are not meant to be in lieu of your primary care physician’s medical advice. If you are concerned about a medical condition or have a medical emergency, PLEASE contact your doctor, urgent care, or emergency room!

Brothers, we encourage you to exercise your best and highest wisdom and intuition!

If you’d like to submit questions, please email them to [email protected].