EDITOR’S NOTE: We’re so pleased to welcome Garland Jarmon and Toby DeLuca to TheBatorBlog’s Ask Dr. Bate column. If you’d like to submit questions, please email them at [email protected].Dear Dr. Bate,
Any advice for smaller bators dealing with always being the smaller one when bating with buddies?
Garland’s Answer:
Thanks for your question, as it’s one that many guys are concerned about – the size of their penis compared to others.
So here is a statistic for you to remember but first I want you to go grab a ruler.
I’ll wait.
Got it? Good!
Now, according to the most recent studies, the average length of a flaccid penis is 3.5-3.6 inches. And the average erect penis is about 5.1 inches long. So take a moment and mark those two measurements off on your ruler and remember that, like on a bell curve, most guys you meet and/or bate with are going to fall within that average. Of course there are outliers – some guys are smaller than average while others are larger.
As penis-owning humans we often get so self-critical about the size of our penis instead of accepting and learning to enjoy AND love the penis we have. I have worked with clients who have insecurities about their penis size and I can tell you that there is almost nothing more emasculating than that worry and concern.
My advice, regardless of the size of penises you might surround yourself with, is this – find how you can honor and respect your body, especially your penis. You might think it strange, but I have found that when guys are ashamed of their penis size, that shame ripples outward – in their bodies AND their relationships. Guys either become inauthentic via overcompensation or they become inauthentic in self-defamation and ridicule. Either way, it’s inauthentic, not who you truly are. YOU ARE MORE THAN THE SIZE OF YOUR PENIS!
Personally, I am more turned on and attracted by a guy with a smaller penis who is in love with it, confident in his sexuality, and with his sexual expression, than a guy with a large penis who is disconnected from his body, his sex, and thinks that because he has a larger penis he doesn’t need to have a healthy relationship with his body or with others! Remember that shame is the fear of not living up to a certain standard set up by others. And those standards are usually grossly twisted and set up to benefit only a certain segment of the population. And as I pointed out earlier, we know what the REAL average standard is, not the standard society, media, and porn want you to believe.
My advice – judge yourself by your own ruler, then throw the ruler out!
Hoots, create ways in which you can honor the penis you have. Learn how to fall in love with him. Thank him for the immense and incredible pleasures he gives you and find ways to enhance that pleasure. For some good tips, check out my “Reclaiming Masturbation” series here on the blog.
A part of happiness and self-acceptance is not worrying about what others think of you. Deeply enjoy your own cock. Nurture that relationship, ‘cause at the end of the day, that’s the relationship that will last a lifetime! Let your brothers see the love and affection you have for yours!
Happy Penising!
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Back in 1974 when I was a teenager, the Playgirl centerfold of the month was Mission: Impossible actor Peter Lupus. I was stunned, and ecstatic, to see him boldly show off his cock in its full glory. The four-page centerfold showed Peter with his hands behind his back naked with his peter dangling amid a thick bush of black pubes. There was also a picture of Peter in an open red robe with a semi hard-on and his bare feet showing, and one more nude shot. A later issue revealed two more nude pictures and his penis was featured as a blow-up on one page when he was named Man of the Year.
As I write this, my cock is rising and I am going to need to masturbate.
My question is…is this normal? I have shot load and load looking at Mr. Lupus for over 40 years now! And do you ever think he regretted doing this?
P.S. – Love your Bator Blog!
Toby’s Answer:
Thank you for sharing your enthusiasm for your 40+ year iconic infatuation with Peter Lupus in such juicy details. The way you describe every detail of his photos and your relationship to them is very enticing. I looked up the pictures on the internet because you piqued my interest…and they are pretty hot I must say!
First of all, to answer your question, I think it is rather normal. What I would encourage you to look further into would be what aspects of those photos draw you in. Maybe it is his unashamed confidence, his ultra-masculinity, embodied sexuality etc. Also, the circumstances surrounding those photos are also important. You mentioned that you were a teenager (discovering your own sexuality, maybe it was a secret and something that only you knew about) and that he was the famous Mission: Impossible actor of the time. So maybe success, popularity, etc., have a part in your attraction to him and those photos. Maybe there are some aspects of Peter Lupus that you wished to be like.
Whatever Peter Lupus represents for you, and those photos in particular, enjoy it. To answer your other question, I can’t speak for Peter Lupus’s feelings about his Playgirl spread, but I would bet that he would consider it the ultimate flattery to have been and continue to be the object of your affection and of your pleasure for over 40 years! Stroking your cock and Peter Lupus’s ego at the same time.
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Garland Jarmon heralds from 7 years as an HIV/AIDS educator and sexual health counselor for individuals and couples. Having a Masters in Social Work and now as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he seeks to help all those in the LGBTQIA, straight, and Bator community live a more wholesome and embodied life, full of mindfulness and conscious exploration.
Toby de Luca comes from a background in Education and Massage Therapy. With a Masters in Teaching and also as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he to assist folks in facilitating stronger, healthier relationships with their own bodies and their relationships with others.
Together they co-own their own Sex and Erotic Coaching business — Spiritual Eros (www.SpiritualEros.com). They desire to bring to the BateWorld Community an opportunity to have open and honest discussion about issues that many of us face. They believe that everything is an experiment and that the only failed experiment is one you don’t collect the data from. They also understand that because their answers may not fit every lived experience, they welcome community members to offer their own experiences, challenges, and triumphs. They are proponents that healthy community creates healthier lives…and healthy lives, healthier communities!
Garland and Toby are Sexologists and as such are NOT medical doctors or therapists. The opinions, suggestions, and advice given are not meant to be in lieu of your primary care physician’s medical advice. If you are concerned about a medical condition or have a medical emergency, PLEASE contact your doctor, urgent care, or emergency room!
Brothers, we encourage you to exercise your best and highest wisdom and intuition!
If you’d like to submit questions, please email them to [email protected].
Re: Smaller Bators.
Unfortunately, the advice response is way too oversimplified and one-dimensional. How cliche is it to say that if you feel any embarrassment or shame about having a small penis, that this is somehow unhealthy and that your goal should be to feel confident and proud about it. Why imply that not feeling proud of your penis size is somehow inauthentic? Why leave no room for other possibilities? Shame and humiliation are valid human emotions that it can be perfectly healthy and beneficial to explore and enjoy in a sexual context. Some people get pleasure from humiliation or degradation in a sexual setting and trying to discourage this, and really more or less suggest that it is somehow wrong, is analogous with trying to DE-gay someone. This isn’t to say that such a perspective is healthy or desirable for everyone—but that’s just the point: we should leave room for different strokes for different folks rather than trying to apply a one-size-fits-all philosophy. People need to look within themselves to create meaning and decide what they enjoy in sexual situations, not strive towards someone else’s ideal. Overcoming the feeling that you are somehow inferior because of your penis size is one approach, but does that really mean that if you aren’t doing that then you are being unhealthy and inauthentic?
I read the response to the question; “Any advice for smaller bators dealing with always being the smaller one when bating with buddies”? Although the person posting the question didn’t give much information to go on the response was disappointing, especially in a fetish forum such as Bateworld. I believe we need to know more about the person asking the question and what his thoughts are.
I agree with Kyle above that the spectrum of how we relate to our penis and the uniqueness of that relationship and that particular size and shape should be celebrated and not “white washed”. I love my little guy and it is a huge turn on when guys get into that, I am so confident in my little guy that I get harder when it is called for what it is and for what it is not.
Dr. Bate, personally I would enjoy further conversation and dialogue on this subject and the attention it deserves.
Thank you.
I was the question asker.
I would say this to people who are into SPH–the internet is full of places for you to go and get validation on your fetish. Not all of us who are smaller want it and if we want something other than SPH, there is literally no place to go get positive sexual language/attitudes around our size. I personally do all I can to avoid that. Sadly, that means I need to stay away from a lot of smaller penis sites because you guys are all over those sites and it’s something I prefer not to associate with.
I feel I have made a lot of progress in this area (and I am just shy of average anyway since it’s my girth that puts me below average; I’m exactly at that 5.1″ length), but I always welcome more insights into expanding positive conversation around smaller sizes. Personally, the reason I am on Bateworld is because it is so penis positive and while there are those who do focus on size alone, I have gotten tons of positive feedback on my pics that helps me have a storehouse of positive language I can use when I am with someone bigger and I feel the need to compare and despair. You talk about one-dimensional? Google small penis fetish or positive language around small penis and SPH is pretty much what you are going to get. You guys own the small penis conversation. It’s my fantasy that one day we can create a positive spin on a smaller size the same way bears created a positive spin on having bellies.
If you’re wired to be humiliated, more power to you, but that is not what I want sexually. I want to be celebrated, thank you.
(and I apologize if my tone is pointed, but it’s just that this is a major bone of contention for me in this conversation . . . with smaller guys it’s either “ignore it” or “humiliate it” and I want a third option).
The main purpose for gay men is to get pleasure from it. If it does that, size doesn’t matter. My husband has helped me to understand and accept that. At one time I was 4.5 to 5.0 inches erect on a good day. These days my libido has deserted me and my cock can’t get hard and usually hides beneath my pubic fat. It’s frustrating but I enjoy cuddling and getting my husband off. We have been married for 20 years and our sex has been mutual masrurbation and occasional blow jobs. It works for us and penis size doesn’t matter. I boldly go where most micro-penis people don’t, the open showers at the gym.
I don’t know – but I think bigger carries more prestige with people in general.
Hey Brothers, Dr. Bate here!
I want to thank you guys for reading the column. It means a lot to us. It’s taken me a few days to respond to the thread. I’m glad I waited as it gave the thread some time to become a tad more rounded.
Allow me to express my thoughts on this subject further. It is our intention to first and foremost do as little harm in our responses as possible. So when a question comes to us, we recognize that many guys might have the same questions and concerns. We assess what would be the greatest help, support, and comfort and we reply accordingly. Also, due to brevity, we are unable to explore every possible supportive or contrary facet of a question or concern.
When Hoots asked the question, even though it was brief, I erred on he side of caution and surmised that he was asking about his struggle with unpleasant penis shame and therefore it was our desire to help in any way we could. I found it insensitive to jump into the question telling Hoots that he should embrace his shame and find community to help him accept his shame through humiliation and degradation. To advise Hoots in this way would be truly inauthentic for him and it would be irresponsible of us!
(And this was, after all, HIS question.)
Having said all this, I understand that power-play in the form of shaming, degradation, and humiliation is a sexual fetish for many people. I believe that folks who engage authentically, i.e., mindfully and consciously in this power-play may find it a liberating and healing experience. However, for others like Hoots this is not their path. So we must respect that!
Hoots, we hope that our response to your question was helpful, supportive, and beneficial!
In Pleasure,
Garland