Hey Bators, FROTOLOGIST here. While I was working on the article, “When Did You Discover You Were a Bator?” I created a poll on BateWorld to spur comments from BW members to use in the piece. An outcome I did not expect was how many of the commenters expressed difficulty dating or being married to partners who prefer penetration/anal and do not understand bating as a preference.
When using apps and websites other than BateWorld, or if you are dating someone and want to explain your preference for bating, or you identify not as a top or bottom but as a side, you are going to get pushback. A lot of people out there still cling to the definition of sex equaling penetration, which says that gay sex has to mirror the traditional straight definition of penile-vaginal intercourse, substituting the anus for the vagina. Most of us bators know this not to be true, but for a (shrinking) majority of men who have sex with men, top and bottom are still the only two options.
So what do you do when you want to explain to someone that you are not seeking anal sex?
Well, over at the Frotology Lab, we’ve got ya covered! Here is my spiffy list of methods for you to try out when you are in this predicament.
“If we’re just upfront and honest about what we want with our partners and potential partners, we can shed these cultural assumptions and roles we were brought up to think we are each supposed to play.”
Use a Script
In the notes app on my phone I keep a script. There are two, actually, that I use for different scenarios. One is the answer to the question, “What are you into?” The answer I copy out of my notes and paste into the chat is a list of all the things bate related that I enjoy doing. I make no mention of anal sex. I dropped the line that I used many years ago, “top if it gets there,” when I decided that I honestly no longer wanted it to get there. Nowadays, I let guys know upfront that anal is not on the menu. If they ask about fucking or rimming, I use the line, “I’m not into butt stuff.” I try not to be dismissive of people who are into anal sex, but if they judge me harshly for my personal preference, then I will clap back just as harshly at them.
The other script I use is a description of how I like a bate session to transpire. It sets the mood for the person I am trying to persuade to try it with me. I don’t want to paste it here (get your own!) but it walks them through the process: watch porn, get hard, kick back, and have a good time. If someone responds, “That’s it?” I try to explain that the emphasis is on sharing the energy of our penises with each other. That can be a little highfalutin for some guys, so if you trot that out, don’t be surprised if they stop talking to you. It’s their loss, and you know that.
Send a Link
Porntube sites are great resources not just for jerking off but for showing people examples of what you are into. Next time you are DMing with a non-bator, send them a couple of your bookmarked bator porn videos to give them an idea of what you would like to do with them. This has worked numerous times for me. I’ll send someone three or four links to give them an idea of what we could possibly get up to. The times I’ve done that, I’ve had guys message back saying, “Can we please do THAT?!” One guy in particular had never seen gooning before, and said he wanted to try it.
Sometimes using words to describe what bating is just isn’t enough. So try sending them some links you like, whether porn or educational links. Be sure to give them time to watch/read them and then get back to you. The point is to show how much fun bating can be, and the uninitiated may come around to giving it a whirl.
Links You Can Send Them:
Let them do the research on their own. They can set up a profile on BateWorld and explore. I have done this easily 100 times over the past 8 years. The majority of the time, guys go out of their way to thank me. They tell me that all they ever really want to do when they hookup is masturbate with someone, maybe suck dick, but they feel pressured to do anal.
Send a Personal Video
A variation on sending porn links is that if you already have some steamy videos of you and a friend or multiple friends bating, then share those with the non-bators! I have accumulated my own stockpile of bate bud videos over the years. Make sure you have consent from your partners to record them and show them off.
Luckily, these days most of us are willing to give consent to pics and videos, but always make sure first. I not only have my bate buds’ permission to show pics and videos of them, but I know that it gives them pleasure knowing that I show them off to potential bate buds. It could even lead to me introducing them to each other!
Offer to Coach
This is when you have achieved a confident and seasoned bator level. It ain’t your first rodeo. You know how to be a bator coach and make the newbie explode with penis love. So just say that. Be direct. Tell him you will coach him through it. If you are inexperienced at coaching and want some pointers, explore The Bator Blog some more, as well as this excerpt from Solosexual: Portrait of a Masturbator.
Cam First
Camming is essentially a bate session. Aside from the obvious no physical contact, all the things you would do in a regular bate sesh are available to you and your partner. So if someone’s not sure about mutual masturbation, invite them to a video jerk session. Kill two birds with one stone by telling them about BateWorld and camming together on VidChat. Get verbal with them. Get stupid on penis. Once you’ve shot your loads to completion, mention that a bate session IRL is just like that, only about 100% better.
I’ve used this technique for years. I have even convinced guys in the middle of cam sessions to shut off their webcams, put their clothes on, and drive over to finish out the jerk sesh in person. This method works! Cuz everybody loves masturbating! So if you’re already doing it on cam together, then why not just go the extra mile?
Make a Deal
Sometimes a bator just can’t win against a natural born anal boy. When this happens, haggle with them. Offer to have anal sex (if it’s something you yourself want to explore, of course), but only if you start with bating—and spend an ample amount of time doing it. Once the time is right, you’re properly edged, then you promise you will stick it where they want you to. Or, say, if you do anal the first time you meet up, then you have to try bating the second time.
I personally have let bate sessions end with anal, either because it was a deal we made beforehand, or because I could sense that the other guy really wanted it. Whatever you do, don’t flake out on the promise. Nobody likes a selfish lover. Plus, you don’t want to give us bators a bad reputation!
Play the Long Game
You ever chat with that person you terribly want to be knee-to-knee with, bro’ing out on your dongs, but he is harder to get past than the Berlin Wall? He’s never bated with someone before, he thinks it sounds boring, and he’s only down to fuck because he thinks it’s the manly thing to do? Heck, this could even be a straight friend of yours. This one’s going to take a while. Weeks. Months. Who knows?
First, you just have to make a little crack in that wall. Start by asking him questions about masturbation. What’s his technique? Does he use lube, toys? How often does he do it, and for how long? Very important: let him do most of the talking. Start laying the groundwork for getting him to open up about his own bating rituals. Once there’s a lull in the conversation, jump in and tell him yours. I would keep this going for however long it takes, and at the end of every time you talk, cap off the conversation with another invitation to try bating with you sometime.
If you work it patiently without putting too much pressure on him, you’ll notice him warming up to the idea more and more as time goes by. After a while, you might even point out to him that as much as you have talked about bating with each other, you have practically already been doing it. So give him a wink and say, next time you come over, just bring that lube you like to use. Remember, take it slow. When he comes over, ask if he brought the lube. He might surprise you. Then be like, let’s put on that porn you said you like. The rest should come naturally 😉
That’s my list for now. You know what I’ve found to be true more often than not over at the Frotology Lab? If we’re just upfront and honest about what we want with our partners and potential partners, we can shed these cultural assumptions and roles we were brought up to think we’re each supposed to play.
Let us know in the comments which one of these has worked for you in the past, which ones you are going to try, and most importantly, if you have any methods of your own you want to share with the rest of us.
Until next time, Happy Bating!
I personally reserve anal for only and I mean only one type of person. That person is someone I love and have deep emotional feelings for, my partner or husband. To me this is a very personal form of sex and reserved for that one special person who I am committed to and love very much and he feels the same for me. In this situation I would classify myself as a top but for the person I am totally committed to I would bottom for him. I could not do any of this casually with anybody else. For a person I am that in love with I would want to plant my seed deep inside and visa versa as a psychological connection with that person. I know everyone is different but this is my view on anal sex.
Hey man, just wanted to say that I feel the same way. I learned that it doesn’t often work out to tell someone that upfront, though. Some men are okay with hearing that you reserve anal for lovers, but some who are expecting anal sex may feel like you are making a judgement call against them, that you are telling them they are not worthy of being penetrated. That’s part of why I wrote this article for alternatives to straight up telling someone that anal is only for partners. I do think bating is getting more popular. Soon all we will have to do is say simply that is what we are into and everyone else will know what it’s all about!
Thank you for your reply Frotologist. I want you understand that I would never hurt anyone’s feelings or make them feel not worthy of penetration. What I was explaining in my previous post was my feelings about anal that I keep totally to myself. I would never say that to the potential person I wanted to have any form of sex with. If anal came up I would just say that it is something I am not comfortable with and they would have to decide on that. But I would never say to them it is only reserved for a person I love. I try to treat people the way I would want to be treated and respected. I thank you for your reply and just wanted to clarify. I should have explained that in my first post and I thank you for bringing that to my attention.
Couldn’t have said it any better!!
Interesting approaches. Seems like way too much work to win anyone over or simply be yourself. If someone isn’t into it your form of pleasure, regardless of what it is, move on. All of this effort seems pointless.
I agree with this statement 1000%!! Unfortunately drugs play a role in hookup culture and a lot of them don’t have the attention span to comprehend what is being said outside of, “rough anal” or other kinks.
I identify as “mostly Side”. On the app, I say that I rarely fuck on the first date. It is always clear with the guy that there probably isn’t gonna be any penetration. If the guy is a top, it is a certainty, if he’s btm, in the back of my mind, there is an hidden possibility. If it happens, it’s always on my own initiative. I sometimes like to top but I don’t want penetration to be the center of the encounter.
Offer to coach? Damn, your idea of coaching is not at ALL like mine. Maybe it’s because I’m a committed popperbator and I don’t really like anything that distracts from my own pleasure. Okay, it ‘s selfish, especially since what I do for a living is teaching. I’m willing to consider that I may have this all wrong, but explain what you meant by “offer to coach”, please?
Hi Dave
I just wanted to say that I agree, I am All Consuming Popperbater when I can get the source. I live in a rural area and am disabled. But my Mind is CLEAR and FRESH….the Storage of my Wicked and Perverse content…is Intact.
I wish guys wouldn’t Judge me by the cover page. My Partner in Life passed. He was my “Golden PENIS GOD”. We were ONE in Nirvana.
It’s difficult to move on.. but my EXPANSIVE mind has a Firm grasp on me…The Need To Bate…It’s like BREATHING, and I Must have AIR. “Disabled “ only to those who don’t understand the essence of BREATHING…
the trend on anal has increased over the years. married men with female wives buy prep and do bareback anal with men is a large audience today. a hj bud or a bj bud was the majority of hook ups not so long ago, today it is are you top or bottom? i say neither and get the surprise reaction as if how can that be? times have changed.
even if some small part of me is not opposed to topping or swapping oral and the like, in my experience once the hookup relationship has progressed past bating it’s out of sight out of mind for my bud.
once they start sucking my dick (usually without permission) or have me suck theirs or are asking to get plowed, it’s all they seem to wanna do, and any attempts to persuade them to try mutual bate, frot, shared bate with legs over each other, it’s seen as “just” bating and sorta implied through their words and actions to be sexually immature. it’s actually part of why i avoid identifying as a Side because many folks i’ve met don’t seem all that thrilled with “only” bating: “i have an oral fixation,” “let’s see that hole,” “anal insertion is masturbation,” “let me show you how good i am at sucking/fingering.”
so as much as i want to agree that saying let’s fuck tonight and bate next time might be an interesting approach, i am reminded of more former “bate buds” that only ever seem to want to do anything besides bate when we do meet up.
My approach has always been to say ‘kissing, wanking and oral sex with edging are my thing, and anal sex is almost never.’ I might add that ‘when there’s greedy oral expert, my cock and cum is yours for as short or long as you feel like’. I never use the word bate. Sometimes I say ‘anal sex is too complicated and I can’t hold an erection to fuck someone, my dick needs excellent oral attention’ To tell the truth, I am an oral sex top and an anal sex bottom. I just like to be done over.