“To pressure this guy at all might very well backfire, though I agree with you that men masturbating together is not necessarily a gay thing.”
QUESTION:
I’ve got a super-hot roomie who often bates in the bathroom. I hear him and see the evidence after. He doesn’t deny it, but the one time I hinted we might do it together, he got huffy and said he isn’t gay, and shouted: “No way!” I told him it’s not a gay thing, but a guy thing, but he just slammed the door. Literally! What do you think? Is there any way to persuade him?
RESPONSE:
Sometimes curiosity and desire overcome the way someone wants to present themselves to others. To pressure this guy at all might very well backfire, though I agree with you that men masturbating together is not necessarily a gay thing. Sure, a lot of gay men are probably more open to it and more comfortable with the idea. But the media has been full of stories in the last few years about so-called straight buddies bating together.
Also, you cannot make this assumption, but the guy’s strident denial that he is gay could mean he is in truth, privately, within himself unsure of his sexuality. Possibly he’s “bi-curious” and one of the many millions of men who are victims of internalized homophobia. This last problem tragically includes a lot of gay and bisexual men, whose self-image may suffer because of commonly acquired and conditioned attitudes around same-sex activity.
Though it could be a project that would not end well, there might be several non-verbal approaches to encourage what you want to happen. If you have a living room or entertainment center area, pull out your penis and masturbate while this hot roomie is in his room, or when he is not in your living space, but you expect he might arrive soon. Allow him to catch you in the act. You can apologize and try to cover up your erection, but just tell him you felt really horny. Or do something similar, masturbating in your bedroom but with the door cracked open, and see if he notices.
Another option is to leave open a book with nude photos, or an open laptop logged-in to a porn site with a video running. If your roomie is around, watch some porn on your photo or a computer and let him hear the moans and groans and rhythmic motions. It might make him a bit horny too, and he might take the hint.
Another option is just to imagine masturbating with this guy. Sometimes, the saying goes, “Energy follows thought.” Of course, if you are not too concerned about the consequences, at some point try again. Just tell him again what you want!
Good luck and enjoy yourself, one way or another.
A note from The Batemaster: I’m honored that the guys at Bateworld have asked me to respond to some questions from male masturbators around the world every week.
Always check with your doctor about any issues you might be experiencing with your sexual organs. Prompt diagnosis and treatment are important. This article’s purpose is to inform and entertain readers and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment.
this is very true . in college i had a room mate who bated all the time ever room 3 or 4 times a day. he always asked me to join him . i was always either to busy or to shy about the whole thing. one day i had a bad day and was not feeling like going out . he had his porn blasting in the dorm room . i went and sat down and watched the porn with him while he bated. about 20 in to the good part my hand was down my pants then 5 min later my pants were off and i was bateing with him from then on we bated the rest of the year like it was nothing. i see him once in a while with his wife and kids .
Indeed, so true. It’s a guy thing, not a gay thing. But the questioner has to be respectful and take the hint his roommate’s obviously not interested in masturbating together. But I think co-living situation allows the questioner to get noisy with his bates too.
I’m not comfy doing ”it” openly with friends but I’m totally comfy sharing my bates with others here on bw. And it’s nice to have a safe places where we can be comfy and openly masturbate.
I’ve spent enough time in masturbation chatrooms over the years to recognize “It’s Not A Gay Thing, It’s A Guy Thing” as a common rationale gay men use to try to convince straight men to jack off with them. I would ask those gay men three questions: 1) Do you masturbate to porn that doesn’t turn you on? 2) Do you fantasize about jacking off with other men whom you do not find attractive? 3) If someone who you were not attracted to at all said to you, “hey, I know you’re not attracted to me at all, but it’s a guy thing,” would you jack off with them anyways? I’d wager that your answer to both questions is “no.” So why would you expect a straight man to jack off in a context in which he isn’t turned on?
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, Mike. As much as we might wish for things to happen, they won’t necessarily. As a GAY man, I recall cowering and shying away from countless M2M opportunities when I was a young man. Therefore, expecting a str8 guy to comply is way too optimistic.
This is one of those clear situations where no means no. Trying to entice or tantalize is likely a wasted effort.
Actually, what we see here in terms of ‘it is a guy thing’ is a fantastical ideology based on the supposed sameness of male desire. Here is the logic: all men have penises; all men experience pleasure as a result of the penis; all men masturbate; so, we should all share in the pleasure our penises afford, together. This fantastical ideology (Zizek 1989; 1994) undergirds how and in what manner bators understand maleness; the male body; male desire. This same ideology can be found in porn from 1970s into the present (Cante and Restivo 2004). The very fantastical nature of porn posits the exact same fantastical ideology: all men have dicks; all of those dicks love pleasure; and a straight man can be converted to gay sex, because of that pleasure, given the right circumstances. However, the social and psycho-social world still contains meaningful (and I am not endorsing by saying meaningful – these meanings society has created still continue to exist and shape our everyday lives) distinctions between men; between male bodies; between male desires. Ignoring these social meanings is a mistake. Think for a moment about what sorts of psycho-social gymnastics might be required for a straight identified male to engage in any kind of same-sex-sex (as defined by society). Think what it took for LGBTQI to come to realizations of their own desire – the pain, the awkwardness, the self-doubt, etc. Were we all just bound together, forever, by the pleasure penis affords, none of these painful experiences would ever exist! And yet, they do….and if attacks on LGBTQIA people are any indication, these painful experiences (and sometimes death) will continue based on psycho-social meanings which very much distinguish between types of men; types of male pleasure. These fantastical ideologies deny social realities; and deny the pain (and pleasures) to be had as a result of these social realities. Am I saying that straight men never engage in same-sex-sex? Not at all…we know they do (Ward 2015). However, (and here is a hint if you are trying to land a straight guy) most straight men having sex with other men don’t define what they are doing as ‘sex’. They define their interactions as: bonding rituals (think fraternities doing the elephant walk); games and dares; etc. (Ward 2015). Be careful of these fantastical ideologies…..because whether we like it or not, our society DOES make these sorts of distinctions between males; between forms of male desire; and finds supposed ‘truth’ in our sexuality (Foucault 1978). We were raised and indoctrinated into these meanings; our society is organized around these meanings; and these meanings continue despite fantastical claims to the contrary (for an academic book based entirely on this fantasy see Eric Anderson’s (2009) work ‘Inclusive masculinity: The changing nature of masculinities’).
Is this a total bummer? Yes. Do I wish our society were organized in the way these fantastical ideologies of bating and porn function? Absolutely. Do I think we should deny psycho-social realities? No. Ignoring is dangerous.
In my experience, this is possible more often than not. The reality is that even straight identified men find hard cocks erotic. Porn focuses on them. It is more penetration than titties and pussy even in the straightest of porn. However…everyone must come to it from their perspective, their control, and their desire. Open the door…but then back the fuck up and let everyone walk through on their own terms.
The recent ubiquity of hard cocks in porn and the inevitable (and admirable) empathy of masturbating males for other male arousal, have opened this world of homoerotic desire. We are defined by social patterns of ritual behavior, which are fluid, changeable, and vary between social groups. That they are malleable does not mean they don’t have power and need to be respected.
In my experience, what makes it safe and okay to cross a barrier is a little mysterious, but the main element is something to do with “safety”. For instance, I had sucked a few married guys before my first gay–for married guys there was a whiff of “we shouldn’t be doing this” in the air, but for him, sucking cock was totally normal for men, and my inhibitions flew out the window. And as a rich white guy having sex with blacks was kinda off the table, and then the day after Obama was elected I remember driving around town and suddenly my eyes were opened to all the beautiful and sexy black women around me, it was a huge catharsis I didn’t know I needed.
What will create “safe” for any particular guy, at any particular time, is chemistry. Perhaps it can’t be pushed, but nor can it be helped. I would say “flirt” in a discreet manner, and move the goalposts just a little at a time.
https://youtu.be/Sqoxk3SrZRw?si=hIsVSQKoh8cEiu4j