“…And I can’t do it at home unless he’s gone out. I hate sneaking around, but I do love to bate! Help!”
QUESTION:
After many years single and lonely, I’ve got a great partner and we do love each other, only he doesn’t like me to masturbate! He doesn’t mind if I finish myself after we have sex, but he won’t do himself. He insists I do it. And I can’t do it at home unless he’s gone out. I hate sneaking around, but I do love to bate! Help!
RESPONSE:
Your basic situation is quite common among both gay men and heterosexual couples. The primary reasons are several, I think. Generally, this kind of challenge arises from poor sexual and psychological understanding. In general, masturbation is still often looked down on as an inferior recourse, just an alternative, not something worthy in its own terms to be cherished. Personally, I consider masturbation a primary practice, as valuable as any other.
Another issue involved is also a learned misinformation. This is the mistaken belief that if you have a regular partner, you should not need further erotic enjoyment via masturbation. It is easily complicated by possessiveness and insecurity of the reluctant partner. The reluctant partner may feel either inadequate or left out, or threatened, or all of these.
“It is easily complicated by possessiveness and insecurity of the reluctant partner. The reluctant partner may feel either inadequate or left out, or threatened, or all of these.”
More accurate and honest understanding of relationships reveals that almost every man who has a partner of either sex, whether married or not, also enjoy solo masturbation. In fact, when the partner or spouse feels threatened or confused by this, this can endanger the relationship.
The best approach is communication. Introduce the subject gently, perhaps from an oblique angle at first. Speak of other people at first. Mention that this is well-known and understood among sex educators. Also, once you are discussing it, your request could be something like, “I love you very much, and I know that you love me. We both want each other to be happy, right? And I don’t love you any less because I also like to masturbate…”
If that is not possible, the need for secrecy might actually add a kind of spice to your life. There is something to the saying that “What you don’t know won’t hurt you.” At the same time, any need for secrecy produces some ongoing stress.
Better, no doubt, is to simply ask for space to enjoy yourself privately. If this works out, you might both relax into him letting you do your own thing openly.
Good luck in adjusting your situation, Brother!
A note from The Batemaster: I’m honored that the guys at Bateworld have asked me to respond to some questions from male masturbators around the world every week.
Always check with your doctor about any issues you might be experiencing with your sexual organs. Prompt diagnosis and treatment are important. This article’s purpose is to inform and entertain readers and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment.
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I totally relate to this!! And sadly, this is very common. When my husband (together 33 years) lost his libido years ago and I “took care of myself,” he became extremely jealous of my bate time, especially as it involved “others” via cam. He gave me space, but was furious and resentful. Eventually I had to give an ultimatum: allow me to enjoy MY PENIS and sexuality, or we can’t stay together. It really came down to that. It became a matter of control, which I wasn’t going to put up with. I went apartment hunting, which made him realize I wasn’t kidding. No one has the right to control what YOU do with YOUR OWN BODY, committed to each other or not!! NO ONE!! Talk is important. But you need to be who you are and have the freedom to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Period. I waited FAR TOO LONG to state my case, but we’ve worked it out. Now I have my masturbation time WHEN I WANT IT, without interference. Boundaries are important, even in relationships. That doesn’t always happen, which is sad, but true. And men aren’t generally “trained” to talk things out effectively. Set your boundaries. You don’t need anyone’s “permission” to pleasure yourself! It’s YOUR PENIS, NOT HIS! If he can’t accept that reality, it may not be the relationship you need. If he’d like to join you, perfect! If not… BE YOURSELF, and move on. I’m glad I finally made my hubby see how important this is to me. Now he’s okay with it, and not threatened. I hope it works out for you, too! 😉
@PanBates I’m in the same situation. Married to the hottest man on Earth for 12 years. The second year into our relationship, the sex completely stopped. He has zero sex drive and sleeps in another room. Instead of cheating, I handle my business by myself for hours in the middle of the night. He complains that I’m not intimate (like a woman). I’m a full grown man. I will literally do anything to please him whenever and however he wants it. But it’s never good enough or the right time. He acts like he’s doing me a favor. I fear there something else going on. I’m tired of the very controlling behavior. It’s obscene to think someone is going to go 10 years without sex and still posses the same deep feelings for you. Now that COVID is over, I want my sex life to flourish. Bating is an important part of it. Clearly, we aren’t on the same sex page. He can move on.
Tragic and sad, all to often, true. I have been very clear to potential partners that I am a frequent masturbator, and when appropriate, I define this clearly. There is a percentage of partners who are out at that point. Worse yet, there are those who say they are fine with it only to have them tell me months or years later that they thought they could change me or that being with them would reduce my desire to masturbate. I don’t get it.