…You are far from alone in your situation!
QUESTION: Been married almost 30 years, have four kids, and love my wife. We have sex only once every week or two mainly to keep her happy. In lockdown, I’ve secretly learned how much I love to jack w/guys on cam. I wish I had no secrets and she could accept this, and I do love her. Should I try to tell her?
RESPONSE: Brother, you are far from alone in your situation! More than even I am well aware that the pigeon-holed categories for male sexuality are not useful. Straight, bisexual, and gay describe kinds of behavior, not kinds of men—as I often say. You are fortunate that you still feel love for your wife, who apparently remains your best friend in some ways.
However, monogamist relationships seldom satisfy any man for very long: a reality those attached to ideas of marriage and exclusive life partnerships hate to admit. This does not mean a man needs to be promiscuous in having actual sex with other partners to be happy or fulfilled. If he cares about his spouse or partner, he will consider their feelings in relation to his behavior.
At the same time, you and every man deserve as much erotic pleasure as you can provide yourself, through masturbation, “window-shopping” in admiring other attractive people. You have discovered that you enjoy masturbatory playtime on cam with other men, but so far at least, you have had to keep this activity unknown to your wife. Either that, or you may turn out to be unaware that she has already figured it out. As you know, women do have a kind of uncanny intuitive sense of things, which men often fail to recognize.
Still, everyone is complex, with many unknown internal factors involved. Your wisest approach as with anyone broaching a delicate subject and unsure of the reaction, is to introduce the subject as a generality. If you say something like, “You know, almost every man in the world likes to masturbate,” she may very well figure out that you are speaking of yourself. If this seems to upset her at all, then she really does need to know about this simple human truth. Tell her that you just want to clear the air and be totally honest.
Perhaps proceed to the fact that men seem to have a stronger desire for purely physical pleasure than women, regardless of whether or not this sounds politically correct. If your wife opens up to discussing her feelings in relation to you, keep it as much as possible in terms of the fact that you love her no less simply because you also enjoy masturbation.
All of this is reasonable and honest. Hopefully, if you get this far and can clear the air somewhat, you can create an agreement so that she will allow you private time to enjoy yourself. Regardless of the outcome, keep in mind that you deserve to enjoy as much high-quality erotic pleasure as you want, no less than anyone.
Unless you can adjust your own attitude and make yourself happy, she cannot genuinely be happy. Otherwise, there will always be undercurrents that you both feel.
Good luck!
A note from The Batemaster: I’m honored that the guys at Bateworld have asked me to respond to some questions from male masturbators around the world every week.
Always check with your doctor about any issues you might be experiencing with your sexual organs. Prompt diagnosis and treatment are important. This article’s purpose is to inform and entertain readers and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment.
This is very good, Bruce. As a married man (55 yrs) and ancient (79), I enjoy bating very much. You and Erotic Engineering have helped me immensely. I only wish it had been available to me 30 years ago! I’d probably be much better adjusted than I am now.
Yes, trying to find the privacy I’d like to bate is a problem when the two of us (adult kids are very much out of the nest) are in our little house with two cats. So, nighttime seems to work sometimes, although I’m usually tired then. Mornings aren’t workable as I do some Tantric exercises. However, that includes bating, so there we are! When my wife is out shopping, usually once a week, or at her hair appointment (not as often), or has a medical appointment, I have the time and privacy to bate.
As for enjoying my fellow men, as you so well put it, those opportunities have never come my way, alas. I have had only one m2m experience, which was lovely in every way, but I don’t know about the future with that. I’ve also recently had an erotic massage that had the happiest of endings! So, all is not lost in my dotage!
Thanks again for all your good advice and masterful instruction for all of us.