You deserve to enjoy as much erotic pleasure as you can provide yourself.
QUESTION: We’ve been together 5 mostly wonderful years, my partner and I. Had sex a lot the first couple years, now hardly ever, but we’re still good friends. Maybe I’m more highly sexed? I bate secretly as much as possible, because he seems to think it betrays him. What to do?
RESPONSE: You deserve to enjoy as much erotic pleasure as you can provide yourself. Every person has the right to a private space in their life to fully enjoy whatever they want most, regardless of what anyone else thinks. This extends to a domestic partner or spouse. If that person cannot accept what you want and need, it is too bad that you have to masturbate in secret, but you still deserve that pleasure. Your masturbation is not a betrayal of him, but if you deny it to yourself, you would betray you.
If your partner finds out and gets upset, you will have to deal with that. The possibility is not worth depriving yourself of erotic pleasure to avoid such a possible challenge. Erotic pleasure is healthy, and as necessary as clean water, healthy food, regular exercise, mental stimulation and quality sleep. The need for erotic pleasure does vary with different individuals, which can cause such situations as you face.
There is flawed reasoning in the common belief that when you have a primary relationship, the other person must always be all things for you. Though this belief is common because it is conditioned into people by many cultural and religious beliefs, it is unrealistic and simply does not work in most human realities. Total monogamy very seldom works for men, though women often expect it, that too is largely conditioning, and often not the truth.
Especially if you have tried to communicate on the matter, and finally given up, go ahead and do whatever it takes to provide yourself with the private space and time to fully enjoy your masturbation. There is also a chance that if your partner finds out, he will try to accept that your need for this may be greater than his. He may already know the truth, but not want to admit this to himself. In the long run it works best if he knows about it and can accept that it does not threaten his place in your life. If his sex-drive is lower than yours or he is somewhat asexual, that does not mean you should be deprived of erotic pleasure.
None of this is easy, as having to hide anything from someone important, holding secrets from them, is not generally healthy at all. Still, for your own sake, your relationship might suffer worse damage if you are frustrated and feel starved for that natural enjoyment.
To have such a good friend is a special blessing. Your libido is also a blessing, and more power to you for wanting to continue your masturbation whether he approves or not!
A note from The Batemaster: I’m honored that the guys at Bateworld have asked me to respond to some questions from male masturbators around the world every week.
Always check with your doctor about any issues you might be experiencing with your sexual organs. Prompt diagnosis and treatment are important. This article’s purpose is to inform and entertain readers and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment.
Wonderful question, and a fantastic response! This is really important for those of us in relationships to understand. Our eroticism is VITAL to being a full human being. My husband of over 31 years doesn’t “get this” but that’s his problem, not mine. Just because he no longer has ANY sex drive or interest does not mean I don’t/can’t!
Thanks for the courage to ask this, and thank you BATEMASTER for your reply!
Including him in the process might do the trick. It doesn’t have to be a a solitary endeavor! Not always anyway.
P.S. (Adding to previous comment)
My husband has Parkinson’s and now dementia. When I discovered BateWorld over a year and a half ago, I let him know this was something I wanted to try, and invited him to join me in an attempt to inspire him to be sexual, on some level. He considered it briefly, but decided he would not be comfortable in this “format.” He did tell me to “go ahead…” though I don’t think he knew exactly what that meant. He has ZERO interest in sex, but my drive is amazingly strong again! Long story short: I am on this site daily! I love it, and the men I’ve “met” online (I cam on VidChat almost every day!) and learned from. My husband now wouldn’t remember my involvement. I can’t help that. But this site has been a place of great comfort and peace and community I never expected! Sex, or our “commitment” to our partners should never be used as a weapon for manipulation or shame or guilt. Men tend to do that a lot! Finding BateWorld and like-minded men truly has kept me sane!! Nothing to feel guilty about or ashamed of!! My body belongs to ME. Pleasuring it, even here, is just fine! Anyway, thank you for letting me me share…
Dear Brother B8rChuck: Your personal sharing means a lot to mesa nd I’m sure to many others. Yes, quite a few men find themselves in similar or parallel situations, whether married or partnered with a woman or with another man. As your PS suggests also, there is quite a lot of conditioning around these subject that some men “weaponize” to manipulate, coerce, or guilt-trip someone else, which cannot be a healthy thing to do. Most definitely IMO every man has a responsibility to himself to be hon best about this, and if his situation does not allow him enough erotic pleasure, he needs to make sure he has the space and time to provide it to himself. This is only healthy and natural. — BPG
Bruce, I appreciate your comment! And I’ve been a fan since buying my first DVD of yours, Mindful Masturbation, several years ago when I realized it was MY responsibility to take control of my sex and sexuality. Loved watching and learning from you. So thanks! You actually started me on this wonderful path of self-discovery through self-love!!
So true, our sexual needs vary all over the place. And the relationship part of us varies as well. I hear it all the time from ‘bators online here, so many are married or in a relationship yet their partners sexual needs are different than their own. BW often provides the freedom and space guys/gals need to help them pursue & explore their sexual needs.
I also chat with bators here who have made the choice to find other arrangements outside of their partnered relationships. And then of course they may have to deal with the various issues associated with stepping out. Making excuses or lying.
And yes its something we’ve let our society condition us into believing about being loyal to our partner. Communication is important for sure but not something that’s easily brought up as a topic to chat about – as it should be. Sexual energy can and does change over time so its important to share our sexual needs and interests with partners as we evolve.
Perhaps in earlier (ancient) times we were all just sexual and took care of our needs – as needed. And no one really cared about stepping in or out.
Yes, Brother apalmer5: It’s sort of like that Sting song, when you really love someone, “free, free, set them free!” To try to control or dominate someone else is usually a pretty perverse and unfortunate process… except perhaps in some dynamics of “master/slave” domination and submission, where people consciously know that is what they truly want and find a partner or partner that fit. Otherwise, to truly love someone is to also want some freedom for them. In fact you will protect and encourage whatever degree of freedom they need. — BPG