Happy International Bi Visibility Day!
Bi Invisibility?
Monday, September 23rd is International Bi Visibility Day a.k.a. Celebrate Bisexuality Day. For most of us who are bi, we know why this is a day (and week and month) to celebrate, but why the visibility part? Are bisexuals invisible?
As part of a local Bi+ Meetup group I’ve learned a lot in recent years. For instance, I learned that a slight majority of people who identify as LGBTQ further identify as bi. Multiple studies have confirmed this. None-the-less, it is a common experience for bisexual persons to feel like a minority within a minority, which even has concomitant negative health impacts. Why is that?
Bi Erasure
One reason is that a large number of those in both the straight and gay communities (persons with binary sexualities) still believe stereotypes including that true bisexuality doesn’t even exist. Both gay and straight men often view bisexual men as simply going through a phase as they are figuring out that they are really gay. However, this denies the experience of bisexual men and artificially pressures them to “pick a side,” which many do. To be sure, human sexuality is often fluid and changing over time, but this is different than a one-way imposed trajectory of what others decide a person’s real sexuality should be.
Another myth is that bisexual people can’t be trusted to remain faithful in a relationship. This can either shrink the dating pool, or it can force bisexual persons to be less authentic within a meaningful relationship. Some bisexual people are concurrent, meaning they are happiest with persons of both genders in their lives at the same time, and some are sequential, meaning over their lives they may prefer one gender over the other at different times. Never-the-less, the decision to remain monogamous, or not, is the same for us as it is for binary persons.
Presumptive Monogamy
Just as there is hetero-normative presumption, there is (ironically, considering the last myth) a presumption of monogamy in both the gay and straight communities, although less so among same-sex couples. In my lifetime, I have moved invisibly and comfortably in both gay and straight spaces. The latter is even easier since I have a wife. However, rather than feeling 50% gay and 50% straight, the way I describe my experience is as 100% gay and 100% straight. Yes, there’s the implication of privilege, but because of Bi Erasure it is often harder for a bisexual person to come out, especially if they are, or want to be, in a committed long-term relationship. This further adds to bi invisibility.
I am a member of an online LGBTQ-affirming Christian forum where there are hundreds of couples in “mixed-orientation marriages.” The religious pressure there enforces monogamy and the stories by the bisexual or same-sex attracted persons, and their spouses, are commonly ones of despair. Very few see ethical non-monogamy (like my wife and I have) as even an option. I am also a part of another group called “Husbands Out to Wives” where non-monogamous arrangements are quite common. Most stories there have a more hopeful, even joyous, tone. As I like to say, non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, and neither is monogamy.
Attitudes Changing
Recent studies in both the U.S. and U.K. are showing that among teenagers and younger adults, binary sexual identities are becoming less and less common. Roughly half in this age group say they are not 100% straight. Changing attitudes will surely open the door to shed more light on the prevalence of bisexuality in the population, and in our lives.
Ways You Can Celebrate
Improve Self-Awareness. Many of us have heard of the pioneering work done by Dr. Alfred Kinsey with his human sexuality scale that first showed us the true spectrum many of us live on between gay and straight. The Klein Sexual Orientation Grid takes this to another level and accounts for changes over time as well as other factors such as emotional attraction and fantasies. Whether you are bisexual or straight and bi-curious, the Klein Grid Quiz is a helpful tool to clarify where you are today.
Talk It Out. If you are partnered and haven’t done so, and if you feel it’s safe, have that hard talk with a significant other to share that part of yourself that is bisexual and/or bi-affectional. Remember those negative health consequences? Well guess what. You’re on the road to health by being authentic with yourself and those around you when you feel accepted. Take a trusted friend out for a drink or coffee and tell them the true you.
Experiment. A safe and healthy way to test the waters with the sex part of bisexuality and male bonding can be through mutual masturbation (whether you are touching or just side-by-side). I have been surprised my just how many (half a dozen) of my male friends I’ve known over my lifetime, who I assumed were straight, turned out to be bi and were eager to stroke one out. Sites like Bateworld are where you can find a community of similar guys of all sexual orientations.
Events. International Bi Visibility Day has events all over the world where you can meet and share with other bisexual persons. If the event organizers are open to it, bring that partner or friend you just came out to as bi.
I love being bisexual and wouldn’t want to be any other way. Whatever you do, you be you, and celebrate who you are.
Written by Stefan Jax (Doggyboner on Bateworld.com)
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Apprreciate the reminders of who I am, Good to take the time to think on it and realize it’s Ok to find love where ever it finds you.
wonderful article, well written and gets to the heart of many bisexual issues, bravo, and happy bi-visibility day !!! david
Bi-visibility Day is one of my favorite times to tell the world that we exsist and that we’re real!! And I’m glad to see that people all over are starting to have conversations and express inclusion. We’ve come a long way and we have a long way to go.
This reminds me of a UCLA professor who once gave us his theory on the spectrum of male sexuality, which was something along the lines of ‘Bisexuality is the norm not the exception, for in societies where men are permitted to engage is sex with both genders, and both are readily available, they usually do.’
His area was Classical Antiquity (ca. 500 BC – 500 AD) and he discussed how all of the rulers, with very few exceptions, were ‘bisexual’ (in quotes as the word didn’t exist at the time and has multiple meanings today); hence they were ‘normal.’ Two of those exceptions were of course Alexander the Great and the Roman emperor Claudius. As Alexander was going through his early years, unlike his peers he didn’t add females to his line of pursuit. His parents became concerned he was ‘one of those guys,’ destined to be only with males which might have been cool except that Alexander’s father was Philip of Macedon (himself ‘normal’) and he as Crown Prince would be expected to produce an heir. Much later Alexander did marry and have one male child but it may have been out of royal duty with political gain to boot. Claudius, on the other hand, was considered a bit of a ‘prude’ for doggedly sticking to females all of his life although there were many beautiful males at court, free for he taking. Why else would he deny himself the pleasure that surrounded him?
‘Prude’ – ‘Normal’ – ‘One of Them’ — Perhaps just for this week we should change those three labels in the sexual orientation drop-down, right guys? 😉
Yes, amazing for the professor to share that information. Such an interesting study & revelation from back in the day. I suspected in our early history, living back then and earlier we were likely more uninhibited sexually. Then eventually religion and other ‘things’ crept in to guide us on how we should be sexually.
Amazing and affirming article! I’m sure it will help many who are bi, and those who love them. This is such an intelligently written piece. Thank you.